Chat health
Being a new mum was not what I expected...
Cradling my newborn baby, I felt overwhelmed with love. It was May 2010 – and a healthy 9lb, little Eva was everything I’d ever dreamed of.
But I’d had my fair share of heartbreak.
Eighteen months earlier, I’d suffered a miscarriage. My first baby had no heartbeat at the 12-week scan.
Me and my husband were devastated, so Eva felt all the more precious.
I wanted Eva next to me at all times, didn’t want to sleep because I was so desperate to protect her.
Bringing her home the next day, I was exhausted.
But still I refused to close my eyes for a moment, spent the whole night watching her.
I was terrified she might stop breathing.
‘Get some sleep, love,’ my mum Anne, then 57, begged.
But when I lay down, all I could think about was my girl.
I knew she was safe with my mum and husband, but I was overwhelmed by fear.
So I got up and walked over to her Moses basket, picking her up and holding her close to my chest.
Then, when Eva was 10 days old, we both got infections as a result of the birth.
We were taken to Barnet Hospital and placed on separate wards.
I felt the panic wash over me – I was desperate to see my little girl.
Thankfully, we were both fine and doctors discharged us four days later.
But back home, I couldn’t relax.
I started hallucinating – I could see the devil dancing on my eyelashes.
‘I can’t open my eyes!’ I cried, frantic. ‘The devil is there.’
My poor mum didn’t know what to do.
‘I’m calling an ambulance,’ she said suddenly, dialling 999.
I was taken back to Barnet Hospital and then transferred to an adult psychiatric ward.
Experts diagnosed me with postpartum psychosis, and I was admitted under their care.
That night, I felt my whole world falling down around me.
All I wanted was to be with my baby, but doctors said the ward was unsafe for a newborn, so Mum had to step in.
She stocked up on formula milk to feed my little girl. I ached for Eva.
I couldn’t accept that my terrifying visions weren’t there.
I was given cognitive behavioural therapy and discharged two weeks later.
But for the next three months, under the care of the Mother and Baby Unit, I had regular appointments with a psychiatrist.
Eventually I was discharged, but being home was terrifying – I developed agoraphobia, refused to leave the house.
Mum was there for me, encouraging me to walk to the end of the road.
Then, when Eva was 2, I found out I was pregnant again.
Doctors told me I had a 50 per cent chance of developing postpartum psychosis again.
When Sam was born at home in April 2013 weighing 10lb 6oz, I felt the same anxiety return.
I even ran into a road convinced Jesus would save me.
So, I was taken back to hospital, but this time I was allowed to keep Sam with me.
Having my baby by my side made me feel more at ease.
I eventually recovered, going back to work and relishing time with my two babies.
Six years on, and my children are my pride and joy – but, sadly, my marriage broke up. Now I work with hospitals, helping improve care for mothers who go through what I did. I believe that, with the right help, new mums can recover from postpartum psychosis. I’m sharing my experience for them.
I could see the devil dancing on my eyelashes