Tiny heroes left behind
Life as a military family took its toll on our daughter
‘What happens when Daddy dies in the Army?’
Louise Fetigan, 39, Dorset
As my husband Tony picked up his bags, I gave him a kiss and a tight squeeze. Next, it was our daughter Madison’s turn. ‘Love you, Daddy,’ she said. And then he was gone.
It was October 2010, and whenever Tony, then 29 and a soldier in the Army, was deployed abroad, we tried not to make a fuss.
Quick goodbye, no tears.
Even though I’d cry buckets later, when Madison, then 7, was in bed.
And then I’d worry non-stop for the next seven months. But that was the life of an Army wife.
Back in June 2003, when Madison was born, both Tony and I were serving soldiers.
We lived on a base in Germany at the time, although Tony was away for most of my pregnancy. And, two weeks after Madison’s arrival, he was posted abroad again.
I was back in uniform after nine weeks’ maternity leave. We had a childminder, but late nights and early mornings on duty made things almost impossible. We didn’t have friends or family nearby who could help. I felt alone. Then, when Madison was just 1, I was told I was being posted abroad. Tony and I would be away. The Army was dedicated to helping families, but serving parents had to be available for deployment.
And, with no-one we trusted to be Madison’s legal guardian while we were deployed, temporary foster care seemed the only option.
No way!
I decided that I’d quit – it was a drastic measure, but I couldn’t put Madison through that, even if I had to sacrifice my career.
Within 18 months, I was officially discharged.
Just over a year later, Tony was offered a two-year position on a UK base. ‘Let’s do it,’ I grinned. Our chance to be a proper family, as Tony had missed so many of Madison’s toddler years.
It was lovely, but Tony was soon back to postings abroad – Iraq, Canada, Cyprus, a UN tour, numerous field exercises.
And that day in 2010, he was heading to Afghanistan.
Only now, aged 7, Madison was much more aware.
So, despite our no-fuss goodbye, she was quiet.
And over the next weeks, her behaviour changed.
‘Where are you going, Mummy?’ she’d panic, whenever I left the room.
She became anxious, waking regularly at night.
Then, one day, she came home from school upset.
‘What happens when Daddy dies in the Army?’ she asked.
We lived in our own home
away from barracks, and Madison went to a civilian school. A classmate had innocently asked whether she’d get a new dad when hers was killed in battle.
‘Well,
Daddy is in the Army, but we hope he’s going to be OK,’
I told her.
I felt terrible that
I couldn’t fully reassure her, but I knew I couldn’t lie to her, either.
I realised that Tony had been away for over four years of Madison’s life. And the impact of not having her daddy around was affecting her more the older she got. Yet, while there were plenty of charities supporting heroes who were serving abroad, I struggled to find one that focused on children left behind. So, I took matters into my own hands.
‘Let’s climb Mount Snowdon!’ I suggested to Madison.
And a few weeks later, we did. We wrote a blog about our experience and raised money for Help for Heroes. Our story made the news. Then I started getting messages.
We understand what Madison’s going through, one family wrote.
We’ve never found the support we need, another one typed.
I had the idea to start Little Troopers – a charity to provide support to children from military families. Help with moving schools, making new friends, dealing with separation from parents.
Giving them a community to feel part of, where they could ask questions, chat to other children going through the same thing.
We launched in October 2011.
With Madison’s help, word got around.
Hundreds of families joined, came to fun days, and used our resources.
And, among her own new friends, Madison was much more settled, too.
Now, 10 years later, Little Troopers is bigger than I ever thought could be possible.
Madison is 17, and preparing to go to university to study Nursing.
I know having Little Troopers helped her feel less alone. And she’s inspired me to help as many other families as possible.
Being a child from a military family is hard, Madison will tell you that.
But it’s also equipped her with skills and confidence to go out into the world.
To see new places, meet new people – and not be scared or nervous.
After all, she’s done it before, countless times.
In fact, she’s considering a military career after she graduates.
I’m so proud of her.
I hope she can see that everything I do is inspired by her.
She helped me through those long months and years without Tony, just as I was there for her.
I don’t know what I’d do without her.
Visit littletroopers.net for more information.