Had I hurt my baby?
As my daughter battled for her life, docs revealed the shocking reason why
Gently placing my newborn baby girl, Teddy, into my mum’s arms, I supported her head as I passed her over. ‘Careful!’ I said. ‘Don’t fret so much,’ Mum replied, smiling.
Like most first-time mums, I was a bundle of worry.
Luckily my Mum, Maureen, then 60, was a dab hand, after having six kids of her own.
‘Isn’t she beautiful?’ Mum cooed, peering into the furry pink blanket as Teddy slept soundly.
It was October 2019, and I loved having a big family around me.
There was always someone to watch Teddy while I nipped to the loo or made a cuppa.
Me and Teddy’s dad, Ryan, then 24, had been childhood sweethearts.
And she was already the apple of his eye.
But I was my mum’s full-time carer, so me and Ryan didn’t live together, but he was over to see Teddy every day.
We called her our happy surprise, not planned but definitely wanted.
I’d had a dream pregnancy, hardly even a stretch mark in sight.
And she’d slept through the night from just a few days old.
I couldn’t believe my luck as I listened to my mates telling me how shattered they all were.
Teddy was just the perfect baby.
She amazed everyone by saying her first word, ‘Nan’, at just 6 months old!
In fact, once she started chatting away, I couldn’t stop her.
‘Good girl, Mummy,’ she grinned, aged 1, as I tidied up her toys.
‘Cheeky madam,’ I chuckled.
One Friday night in February 2021, me and Mum were upstairs getting Teddy, then 14 months old, settled when Mum noticed her little hands and feet were ice cold.
‘That’s not right,’ Mum said.
So we took Teddy to a walk-in clinic nearby.
They checked her over and sent me home again, saying just to put some gloves and socks on her.
But that weekend, Teddy got worse.
Normally she’d wolf down her breakfast, be charging around the house.
Only now, she refused to eat a thing and just wanted to lie on the sofa all day.
She could hardly keep her eyes open.
On Monday, when Ryan came over, I called the doctor’s again.
This time, they sent an ambulance.
The paramedics checked Teddy over and couldn’t find anything wrong.
But within the hour, she went downhill.
Fast.
Her eyes rolled back and flickered from side to side. ‘Oh my God,’ I cried. We rushed Teddy to The James Cook hospital in Middlesbrough, where doctors took her straight in.
Because of COVID-19, Ryan had to stay outside.
I was all alone, watching in tears as Teddy began to have a fit, her left arm and leg jerking uncontrollably.
‘What’s wrong with her?’ I wept as doctors and nurses rushed to help.
Only, no one really knew. Once Teddy stopped fitting, she was given a CT scan.
Wired up to machines. ‘I’m here baby,’ I
whispered, holding her tiny hand in mine.
The scans showed Teddy had bleeding on the brain and had suffered two strokes.
Later that night she was blue-lighted to Newcastle’s Royal Victoria Infirmary for specialist treatment.
I called Mum and Ryan to let them know and both of them were in floods of tears.
For the next two and a half weeks I sat beside Teddy’s hospital bed as she fought for life.
She was placed in an induced coma while doctors tried to figure out how to best treat her.
But I wasn’t expecting what it turned out to be.
A lumbar puncture discovered that Teddy was suffering a HSV-1 infection – a variant of the herpes virus.
‘She must have come into contact with someone who had a cold sore,’ a doctor explained. My stomach turned. I sometimes suffered from cold sores in the winter. Was it my fault?
‘I never kiss her when I’ve got one, I’m so careful,’ I cried to the doctor.
I’d known how dangerous it was for babies.
When Teddy had been born I’d had a cold sore on my top lip, and even when it had cleared up, I hadn’t dared kiss her.
She’d been 3 months old when I’d kissed her for the first time.
‘It could be from anyone,’ the doctor said.
They explained that Teddy could have picked up the virus from a cuddle, or maybe from drinking from the same cup as someone with the cold sore virus.
But deep down, I still blamed myself.
Once Teddy was given antiviral medicine to help, she began to recover.
‘Hello baby,’ I smiled as her eyes flickered open.
Gradually, over the next weeks, Teddy came back to life again.
She struggled to control her legs and arms at first, and doctors weren’t sure she’d walk again.
But she amazed everyone by taking a few wobbly steps one day. ‘Good girl,’ I clapped. Now that she was on the mend, doctors were able to tell me the truth.
That when she was at her worst, Teddy had been just 10 minutes
away from death.
Thank God she had survived.
After five weeks, my brave little girl was finally allowed home.
‘I’ve missed you so much,’ Ryan said, giving her a hug.
Having her back where she belonged was amazing, but she was such a different little girl than before.
She couldn’t talk, and had to be fed through a tube.
It was heartbreaking, but watching her stay so strong gave me the strength to carry on.
Now she’s 2 years old, and every day I see my little girl coming back to me more and more.
She can make sounds again, and with more speech therapy Teddy should be able to speak eventually.
I can’t wait for her to say ‘Good girl, Mummy,’ again.
But for now just seeing her smile is enough.
Teddy had been just 10 minutes away from death