‘Jazz isn’t dead:
it just smells funny.’ Frank Zappa
Of course I blame the Sixties: this was the era that unleashed Frank Zappa and the like. There was John Lennon’s ‘Crabalocker Fishwife’ about which enough has been writ to put The Gettysburg Address well in the shade. Bikes in the Sixties were not afraid to flash a healthy dose of spontaneous alliteration at potential buyerati. Royal Enfield’s marketing mob were right there at the sharp end with their Crusader, their Continental (GT, what else) and the mighty Constellation, a 700cc tour de force. I’m just surprised they stopped there, I mean, what’s wrong with ‘The Climax’ or maybe ‘The Cataclysm’? Instead they went a shade off-piste and named the 736cc replacement for the Connie ‘The Interceptor’. Now I realise that Royal Enfield India are in the process of producing a modern version of the Connie-ceptor, and I, for one, wholeheartedly support their gutsy approach to a concept that appears to have largely fallen from favour. Allow me to elaborate. If you go to buy a phone you’ll struggle now to buy a device that you can actually ring people up on and send the odd text (come back Nokia 6310i please). Knobs, bells and whistles are now compulsory shoe-ins when purchasing a personal communication device. But Royal Enfield are now making a bike with enough brakes, gears and power to enable a lot of people to experience a big ballsy bike at an affordable price without having to concern themselves with multi-layer power delivery modes and unfathomable gizmos. Yup, it’s a Nokia 6310i bike equivalent. For me, a smart phone has a short battery life, but takes pictures and switches lights on. I say get a life! In our topsy-turvy society they probably won’t sell many, but do you think Royal Enfield India will care? I sincerely doubt it. They’ll have every biker in Andhra Pradesh who’s previously cocked a leg over a Bullet queueing up round the block to pay four grand for the six-speed twin. Think about it, that’s a lotta bike for not much cash, and incidentally, it looks a lot like a Commando, and probably performs in a comparable fashion. The reason I’m barking up this particular arboreal edifice is that sales figures of PTWS (Powered Two Wheelers) in the UK are in freefall, apart from scooters and irritating pit bikes (don’t get me started). Sales of normal bikes are in decline to the extent that pretty soon we might witness a hefty increase in the value, and thus price, of our treasured possessions lurking in the shed/garage. The Connie-ceptor may well prove to be an interesting choice when compared to, say, a 400/4 at around ten grand for a nice ’un, or a similar lump for a GS, GSX or perhaps an FJ1100. I can almost hear the massed keyboard frenzy – ‘Wouldn’t have one if they were free: crap wannabe Britbike!’ And a latecomer threatening to stab me with a rusty Isolastic bush, ‘How dare you compare my Commando with one of those, those things from The Indian Subcontinent?’ Well I think it might soon be time to wake up and smell the coffee, or perhaps ‘the tea’ might be more apropos. Take a peek at the small ads for a clue to this; that most retro of scoots the SR400 is available in moderate numbers as an import for around four grand. That’s a 400 single that will pull you out of bed... just, with a kicker, two wheels and a seat, not much more. I’ve been observing the Royal Enfield saga for a few years now and believe me, they are serious; serious enough to have taken over, lock stock and smoking expansion chambers one of the most prestigious names in British biking: Harris Performance. The script on their website says it all: “Vehicle and product design engineers on behalf of Royal Enfield (a unit of Eicher Motors Ltd).” And there’s more: Royal Enfield are investing in more UK facilities right now. Sure, we can ignore or dismiss this situation as we please, in reality it won’t make a jot of difference. Just one last thing to consider next time you see an F-type Jaguar or a Range Rover – the parent company is Tata motors and a few years ago people were laughing at them too. Not any more.