Nicola Mclean:
“It’s been hard at times – I didn’t want to live”
he’s endured extreme S crippling depression, eating disorders and a brief yet public marriage split. But Nicola Mclean says her troubles have only given her strength. Nicola, 35, tells Closer: “It’s been a tough few years, but I’m a stronger person for everything I’ve been through. I took two years out to work on myself and my marriage – and things are in a better place now.”
Just three years ago, Nicola’s marriage to former Notts County footballer Tom Williams, 36, fell apart after it was rumoured he cheated on her while he was working in Las Vegas – but, a year later, they reconciled.
Shockingly, at her lowest ebb, Nicola – mum to Rocky, 11, and Striker, six – reveals she contemplated suicide, but the thought of leaving her two sons stopped her. She says: “I definitely didn’t want to live when all that was going on. Then I said to myself: ‘You’re a mum of two, just get on with it.’ My kids pulled me through it – even on the worst days they make me laugh.”
During her Celebrity Big Brother stint in January, Nicola raised eyebrows for kissing Jamie O’ Hara and inviting him into her bed, and she admits the scenes didn’t wash well with Tom, saying: “Tom was a bit p****d off – he gave me a little bit of stick. It was on TV and it must have felt like a kick in the balls. I flirted, but it was nothing more. I got too drunk, maybe my housemates should have put me to bed earlier.”
BROKEN PROMISES
And while she still refuses to wear her wedding ring, Nicola says the pair are preparing for a vow renewal. She adds: “I don’t wear my ring – I won’t wear it again. It represents a promise and that was broken. We don’t bring up the past and I don’t torture myself over it. Tom’s worked on his own issues and we’re looking forward to renewing our vows this summer.”
Meanwhile, Nicola has made no secret of her eating disorders, which saw her weight drop to 6st, six months after she had Striker. And she says she relapsed into bulimia and anxiety while on CBB after not eating for the first three days. She says: “I’ve been the best I’ve been for two years, so it’s a shame my bulimia returned – but I know it’s a coping mechanism. I’ve been bulimic since I was 11. It’s all I know. In the house there was a lot of talk about food and it brought it all back for me.”
Worryingly, Nicola – who had veneers fitted after her teeth eroded from bulimia – says some of her extreme habits have reoccurred. She says: “I either overeat or undereat and sometimes I’ll deny myself food. I never eat breakfast and I’m addicted to Diet Coke and easily go through 12 cans a day as it fills me up. I know it’s no good for me and I need to stop.”
The star is currently on medication for her bulimia and anxiety. She says: “Being on CBB sent my anxiety to another level, but I’m learning to cope with it better. I’m back on anti-anxiety meds and I’ve opened up my social circle – life used to be just about me and Tom, but now I go for a glass of wine with my friends, something I’ve never done before. I’ve had cognitive behavioural therapy [which encourages you to manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave], but it didn’t work. When my anxiety gets really bad I’ll focus on deep breathing – it puts everything into perspective. I’ll watch a romcom like Coyote Ugly to distract me, or I have cuddles with my Chihuahua.”
BODY DYSMORPHIA
The former glamour model is also open about suffering with body dysmorphia and admits she’ll never be body confident. She says: “I’ve never liked my body. Everything’s a mess – I don’t like my tummy after having kids and I’ve got so many scars on my hands because I cut myself. And I’ll never weigh myself.”
One area of her body she is happy with, though, is her 32Gg-cup breast implants. And Nicola reveals she’d love a third boob op. She says: “People find my boobs outrageously huge, but that’s why I love them – the bigger the better. I’d have another boob
job if my back wasn’t in so much pain. People say Angelina Jolie’s beautiful – but I’d rather look like Pamela Anderson!”
Despite her ongoing battles, Nicola hides her insecurities from her boys. She explains: “The boys know I have OCD tendencies and that my boobs are fake. But I won’t tell them about my anorexia or bulimia as they’re too young. They never see me depressed – I want them to see they have a happy mum.”
Family plans
While in the past Nicola has spoken about her desire to have more children, earlier this month she appeared on Loose Women and revealed she’d been advised to have her ovaries removed following a long battle with polycystic ovary syndrome. She says: “I’ve always wanted more children. I had two miscarriages after I had Striker and it stopped me trying for a while. I’ve had extreme polycystic ovaries for years and recently I got so ill with them as they were infected. Doctors told me I should have both of my ovaries removed and I’m waiting to hear when my op will be. The thought of not having more children makes me sad as having my ovaries removed sounds so final – but it is what it is, and I’m grateful I have two healthy boys.”
‘I’ve never liked my body – everything is a mess’