HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WITH CANCER

Macmillan Cancer Support says that telling patients to “fight” the illness puts them under too much pressure – Emma agrees

When my best friend W was diagnosed with cancer, it blew my world to pieces. I had worked with terminally ill clients before, but when cancer became personal, I had to build a new relationship with someone I had known since I was seven. Previously, I had always felt that attitude was everything and that fighting was required to beat the big C, but from diagnosis to her final breath, I watched my friend Pam wrangle with shock, fear, devastation, anger and acceptance. There was no room for fight.

Macmillan warn that telling people to “fight” cancer leaves them feeling guilty for admitting fear. It is natural to want your loved one to battle this illness, but that can leave them no space to confront the frightening reality. They need to feel allowed to be sad, scared and angry.

Pam distanced herself from me for a few weeks, and when I asked why, she told me that her illness was all-consuming and she didn’t wish to be persistently reminded of how important a positive attitude was. Just getting through the day was battle enough. In the end, I let her be exactly as she wished to be. I put my efforts into being useful – helping to sort out her will and pick her funeral directors – freeing up time for her and her partner to be together.

After a diagnosis, people need to know that their attitude is OK, whatever it is. Don’t pressure them to smile and don’t avoid listening to their reality – offer compassion, love and support and remind them that whatever happens, you will be with them.