‘I struggle with depression and guilt because of my dad’
Hannah Brown, 27, is a restaurant manager and lives with her mum, Alison. She says, “My dad Philip, 57,
was always an alcoholic – he even used to drink wine with breakfast. But as a child, I just assumed it was normal and I loved that he’d always be silly, make jokes and dance wildly with us after having a drink. It was only when I was about 13 that I realised something was wrong. We were on a family holiday, and for the first time I can remember, dad wasn’t drinking – because mum had asked him not to. Without the alcohol he was a completely different person; he was vacant, depressed and not interested in playing with us.
“Mum stood by dad and went with him to counselling, and even though she only had the odd glass of wine with friends, she stopped drinking socially to support him too. But nothing seemed to help and he’d still drink countless litres of cider a day. Then, in 2010, dad crashed his car while he was under the influence. Thankfully nobody was hurt, but he lost his driving licence and his job as a lorry driver. I couldn’t see Mum go through any more heartbreak, so I decided to support her.
“We took matters into our own hands. We stopped his debit cards and shut his tab at the local shop, telling them not to sell him alcohol. Mum had tried to do this before, but dad had always found a way around it. I just hoped that, this time, it would be different. I was barely a teenager at the time, but I went into survival mode and was so desperate to fix things that I just got on with it. I somehow kept up with my school work and maintained as normal a social life as possible.
“However, as I got older, the reality of what was happening began to sink in. I started
to blame myself and kept thinking that if I’d been a better daughter then dad wouldn’t need to drink. Eventually, in 2012, dad got sober. I don’t know what finally drove him to decide to get clean, but although I was really proud, it also left me with a lot of issues. After years of caring for my dad, it was almost as if I wanted to get back my childhood and I found that anorexia was my way of being able to do that. It meant that after all those years, I finally had my parents’ attention. They had to look after me for a change.
“Between the ages of 19 and 23, my eating habits spiralled out of control and I was hospitalised in 2014. It started off as a diet, but soon I began heavily restricting my food. I hated myself for not eating and felt completely worthless, but it was my only way of being able to cope. On top of this, even now, I struggle with depression, guilt and avoid all alcohol because of dad. I’m too scared that I’d become addicted to it.
“Sadly, in 2012, Mum and Dad broke up. I was devastated after Mum had stood by him for so long, but I’m determined to rebuild my relationship with him. At the moment it’s still very delicate and he hasn’t apologised for what he did to us, but I know he feels guilty. Now I channel my energy into blogging about my experience and running peer support groups, because I want to show others that they aren’t suffering alone. I would advise any child whose parents are struggling with alcohol dependency to tell somebody. It might seem embarrassing or hard – but it could change your life.”