THERE’S NO ‘RIGHT’ WAY TO GRIEVE A LOVED ONE

Carol Vorderman has revealed that she didn’t cry for a year following her mother’s death, and would go days without thinking about her. Emma explains that everyone reacts differently

When my best friend died last year, I had an overwhelming sense of confusion. I had been with her during her illness, and been beside her as she died, but nothing felt real. I am trained in grief and trauma counselling, but my academic knowledge and the actual “lived” experience seemed a million miles apart. It was the first time I didn’t have the answers and couldn’t provide the solution.

NUMBNESS IS NORMAL

During the first few days I felt absolutely nothing. I just got on with living, organising her funeral, and getting on with things I could control. I was almost surprised by how well I functioned in the face of trauma. Carol Vorderman has said she felt similarly when her mum died, revealing that she felt confused by her lack of emotional reaction; she didn’t cry, and didn’t really think about her mum. She’s opened up about it because she thinks she can’t be the only one – and she’s right.

OVERWHELMED

My children, who had known and loved their Auntie Pam, asked me many times why I wasn’t crying, and I told them that I simply couldn’t. On reflection, this was down to feeling utterly overwhelmed and desperately lost, having watched my best friend destroyed by cancer. A year on, I realise that every person deals with their loss differently, and the only way you can support someone is by understanding how it feels for them. That, as Carol described, may also include some sense of relief, if you cared for or saw a loved one suffer.

FIND STRATEGIES

My husband understands that I still need to text Pam’s phone, to write her letters and, to some degree, pretend she is just on a long holiday, somewhere I will eventually be able to visit. If you are dealing with grief, understand that there is no right or wrong way, there is simply your way. Take it moment-bymoment, because this is your process, and no one else has a right to direct it. Throughout our lives we’ll lose people, and it will be heartbreaking, so we have to live our lives as joyfully as we can while we’re here.