RELATIONSHIPS STRUGGLING TO CONCEIVE? KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN
It’s been revealed that couples are paying up to £60k to have a baby by surrogacy – but experts say people are being taken advantage of. Emma wants would-be parents to think about all possible routes
For a lot of F women, getting pregnant seems straightforward. It’s how I felt – until I discovered I was infertile. I’m lucky that fertility treatment worked twice for me, but I know the pain of five miscarriages and the hefty emotional and financial cost of IVF.
FORGET CONVENTION
I considered lots of options and met loads of amazing women who’d had babies in less conventional ways. My friend Lisa is a surrogate and is about to give birth to her third child. She runs a Facebook group called UK (only) Surrogacy and says that while surrogacy can be expensive, it may be a good choice for some. Donor eggs are another option many older women choose, because a 25-yearold’s eggs will fare better than a 45-year-old’s.
CONSIDER ADOPTION
I won’t pretend the adoption process is easy, with endless forms and assessments – I started it and couldn’t deal with the emotional roller coaster. There is also “concurrent adoption”, where you have a baby from newborn, but they maintain contact with their birth parents for the first 18 months with the small possibility they may be returned. If your adoption completes, though, you have bonded from birth. All of this is very easy to write, but I know how tough it is in practice. The first stage of dealing with infertility is strategy; you can’t control your ovaries, but you can control your choices. You may not be the biological parent of a donor or surrogate child, but if you can afford it, you will be their mummy. You can also go abroad for treatment, which can sometimes halve the fees. It’s also worth saying that you can fulfil your maternal instincts to some degree by being an awesome aunt, godmother or friend.
CHANGE YOUR MINDSET
It is utterly devastating to be told that you can’t conceive, but after the initial shock has subsided, try to see it as a bump in the road on your parenting journey and start to plan a different route.