Could you handle an open relationship?
A recent survey shows a sharp rise in married people joining dating sites with their spouse’s knowledge, giving rise to the term “transparent infidelity”. But how easy is it to play away without your relationship deteriorating? Closer investigates…
Ally Bury adores A her boyfriend of three years, Pierre, and the couple are planning a happy future together. However, those future plans include Ally being able to sleep with other men, as the management consultant has decided monogamy is not for her – and she’s happy for Pierre, 40, to sleep with other women, too.
Ally, 41, who lives in southwest London, explains, “I was previously married for ten years and, while I remained faithful throughout, I didn’t find it easy. I have a high sex drive and I love the excitement of a new partner. When I split from my ex, I didn’t see why I should miss out on the excitement of meeting other men, even when I met Pierre. I think as long as both partners know, and are happy with it, there shouldn’t be a problem.”
SEXUAL FULFILMENT
A recent survey by dating website Seeking.com suggests this sort of relationship is not unusual. They have seen the amount of married people joining the site double in the past two years and, astonishingly, the second most popular reason, with one in five people doing so, is that they are in an open relationship.
Relationship expert and spokesperson for the website, Brook Urick, tells Closer, “We have termed it ‘transparent infidelity’ and I believe it can be healthy for married relationships, as long as there is always honesty.
“Seeking sexual fullfilment doesn’t mean a marriage has to end, it’s just one aspect of a relationship. Marriage involves compromise and if neither partner wants to split up, but they need something else too, then this can be the answer.”
Ally says that is certainly the case for her. She explains, “After my marriage ended I decided to accept what I needed in a relationship, and that was a full and varied sex life. I fell in love with Pierre almost straight away, but right from the beginning I told him I wanted an open relationship. I explained that I would always tell him when I slept with someone else, if he wanted to know, and he could tell me if he wanted to sleep with someone, too. The only rule is we always use condoms when we are with anyone else. I do it whenever I feel like it, sometimes once a week!
JEALOUSY
“I don’t feel jealous of him and I have no need to – our relationship is the primary one for both of us. The only time I felt a twinge of jealousy was when I had a breast cancer scare and needed a lump removed. He was away in the Mediterranean at the time with friends, some of them female, and I was fairly sure he’d be up to something. I was at home, sexless and worried, and feeling the stark comparison – but it was only momentary.”
For mum-of-two Elizabeth,
Why more women are letting their husbands cheat ❛ I EXPLAINED I WOULD ALWAYS TELL HIM IF I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE❜
the idea of an open marriage was something that she had never considered until her husband cheated for a second time – and she now happily admits she enjoys the odd fling herself to keep her marriage fresh.
Elizabeth, 55, who lives near Tonbridge in Kent and works in HR, says, “We settled down when we were very young; we met aged 19 and were married by the time we were 21. The first time he cheated, a year after we wed, he admitted to it and we were both extremely upset, but after much soul searching we agreed to stay in our marriage. We went on to have two sons, who are now 28 and 26, and our relationship seemed to settle into a very comfortable rhythm.
TEMPTED
“But ten years ago, he admitted he was seeing someone else while working away in his sales job in Birmingham. This time it wasn’t so devastating – I understood. We’d been married for 24 years and though we did still have sex, it was routine and not particularly interesting for either of us. And even though I hadn’t actually cheated, I’d been tempted myself, so I could see why he was.
“People might wonder why we don’t split up, but we’re best friends. We have a mortgage-free house and an extremely nice life. Our sons see our marriage as a very happy one and I don’t want to destroy that illusion.
“Equally, we enjoy social occasions together, from weddings to barbecues, and our sons and their partners come on holiday with us. Soon, there will be grandchildren. These are all things we want to share together. So why split up a relationship for something I’m not that bothered about?
“He’s now been with his other woman for ten years, seeing her when he’s away. I’ve had the odd fling with men I’ve met on extramarital dating site Illicit Encounters. One man I see about once a month. I love that feeling of being desired again; it’s a lovely feeling.
“I know David is the one I want beside me when I’m old and we are both past having sex. I would be utterly miserable without him then, but for now we are both happy and I don’t see a problem with it. We haven’t confided in any of our friends or family, but I suspect people wouldn’t understand that it really can be good for both of us.”