‘I ended up in a psychiatric ward’
For years, F Michaela Hortop, 26, struggled with suicidal thoughts at Christmas. But after spending last December in a psychiatric ward, she now feels stronger than ever. Michaela, who is currently single, tells Closer, “I started self-harming at 16, after being bullied at school. I hated the way I looked and carved the word ‘fat’ into my stomach. At university, my anxiety worsened and I tried to take my own life as I wanted to end the torment in my head.
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
“At Christmas, my suicidal thoughts were louder. It’s such a reflective time and it depressed me that yet another year had passed and I’d achieved nothing. There’s so much pressure to be happy, and I was anything but. I wanted to scream and hide. I found the decorations, lights and festive music too much and spending so much time with family was overwhelming.
“My family urged me to get help and, in March last year, I finally got a place on a psychiatric ward in York. I was given one-to-one therapy and learned techniques to manage my emotions, instead of hurting myself to cope. I’d been there six months when, with specialist support, we began to discuss the Christmas build-up and put coping strategies in place.
“There were just three other patients – all women – and we went ice skating and watched festive films. In our therapy sessions, we discussed what we found hard at Christmas and how we’d use our new-found skills to help us cope. I knew that when I felt overwhelmed, I could take a step back and use mindfulness to help me feel calm. On Christmas Day, I had a therapy session in the morning. I’d gained a stone and was devastated when my dress didn’t fit, but my therapist made me see it really didn’t matter. Then I went home and had dinner with my family. I was the happiest I’d felt in years. I was discharged from hospital in March, after being there for a year. I no longer self-harm and I’ve learned to enjoy life.
COPING STRATEGY
“This Christmas, I’ll put the coping mechanisms I learned to good use. I’m looking forward to decorating my tree and I know that if a room is too loud, it’s fine to escape. I feel stronger.
“The stigma around mental health has been broken this year, but Christmas can be a difficult time and I’d encourage anyone struggling to seek support. Small steps can lead to a happy, healthier life.”
If you are struggling to cope, call the Samaritans for free on 116 123.