DON’T SUPPRESS FEELINGS IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS
Research has found that the advice to avoid showing any conflict and negativity around children is wrong. Emma says that rather than stifling emotions, we should communicate better
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that screaming and shouting in front of your kids is a bad idea. Children hate aggressive conflict – they find it frightening, and they will either grow up to mirror such bad behaviour, or find themselves vulnerable to bad relationships. This may seem obvious, but perhaps more surprising is that suppressing negative emotions can also cause harm.
TRY NOT TO IGNORE THE ATMOSPHERE
We all know how it feels to walk into a room after a row – you don’t need to be present during the conflict to pick up on the residual negative energy. Children are unbelievably sensitive to this, and unless you explain why they are sensing it, you are teaching them to internalise and suppress such feelings themselves.
EXPLAIN ANY SADNESS
When my marriage broke down, my boys were infants, but they sensed that the world around them had changed. They saw that I was sad, and rather than shielding them from my pain, I simply explained that, while I would be fine in the long run, I was struggling with the change. As teenagers, they watched me grieve for my best friend, who tragically died. I allowed them to cuddle me, to wipe my tears and to tell me that it was going to be OK. By offering them such access, I automatically helped them to understand the change in my behaviour, and rather than increasing their anxiety, it made them feel safe. I want to show them that I am strong, and that means showing them all my feelings – good and bad. If you are struggling at work, dealing with loss, or generally feeling down, it is OK to acknowledge this is the case. Your children will learn that there are no “good” or “bad” emotions, and that the best way of processing them is by acknowledging them.
BE OPEN AND CLEAR
While your children should never become emotional props or a sounding board for unhappy relationships, they are more than capable of processing sadness, grief and even anger, as long as you carefully explain why these feelings exist in the first place.