WORKING THROUGH DIFFICULT TIMES CAN BRING YOU CLOSER

A new study has shown that conflict in marriage lessens as we get older, giving way to humour and acceptance. Emma reveals her tips for overcoming challenges and keeping your romance alive

My parents have been married for 54 years. They have both experienced unhappiness, and have even considered ending their marriage. Mum tells me Dad was jealous and demanding early on. I think he always feared she would leave him, and he regrets making her feel that way. Mum says the secret to their marriage is accepting the other person in spite of their flaws, and being unafraid to say how you feel, even if you disagree.

SAY ‘I LOVE YOU’ DAILY

Dad says a good marriage comes from knowing that you are lucky, reminding your partner that you love them daily, and by putting them first. I don’t remember seeing them hug or kiss as I grew up, but they are now tactile and loving, holding hands wherever they go. Those small acts of togetherness are a big part of their relationship resilience. Age has made them more connected, and it’s a reminder that often we end relationships when they are just going through a challenging period that could be worked at.

KEEP PERSPECTIVE

Researchers tracked couples for 13 years and found that there was an increase in positive behaviours like humour and affection and a decrease in negative ones like defensiveness and criticism. I can see in my own life how time and age affect things. I remember feeling I needed to win every argument with my first husband, and we would row about silly things. Now, I don’t fight over things that don’t matter.

BE AFFECTIONATE

Cultivating intimacy also means I don’t build resentment towards my husband. Research shows that having regular sex and kissing and cuddling daily leads to happier relationships, so make time for physical connection. It’s easy to blame your unhappiness on your partner and project negativity onto them, which can end a potentially great relationship, so work on your own happiness. And finally, be patient. Affection, trust, not sweating the small stuff, being a team and valuing each other will mean your love survives in spite of challenges, not because everything happens to be easy.