‘I’ll have therapy for as long as I need to’
I read everything, and I completely broke down. The room was spinning, and I was crying till there were no tears left. I thought, When will this end? I just didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to die, but I just didn’t want to be alive any more.”
At the time, she was so convinced Ryan had deliberately caused her harm, she refused to sleep in the same room as him. But a diagnosis for complex PTSD – along with regular sessions with a therapist, and anti-depressants – have helped her address the outburst, and her previous struggles. Roxanne has been open about her mental health issues, after being trapped in a house fire when she was 16, having been in an abusive relationship, and coping with her best friend’s suicide and the death of her gran in quick succession. And she believes these issues are inextricably linked to her behaviour in CBB, and are also behind her quitting Celebrity Island With Bear Grylls after just five days.
She says, “Everyone has struggles, and
I’m not using mine to justify my behaviour. But looking back, I should have got help 20 years ago. Two weeks before Celebrity
Big Brother, I’d been in a car crash and the minute it happened I was on edge and defensive. I was hiding a huge breakdown. My mind had gone to mush, I was getting flashbacks of the house fire and I wasn’t thinking straight. I kept changing my mind and being erratic. I was jumping to conclusions that weren’t accurate, yet still I laughed and put on a pretence. These invisible wounds were destroying me.”
Crumbling to pieCes
But counselling sessions, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and a month’s break in Tennessee have given her a clearer perspective. “After shutting myself away, I knew I had to go from hiding to healing. Reading the online comments was the breakthrough moment. I read one that said ‘she needs help’, and that was the defining moment, because it was true. My doctor put me on antidepressants for panic disorder and depression and I got in contact with a mental health charity who put me in
touch with a therapist in Scotland, who was shocked at the state of me. I told him I’d been feeling like this since I was 16, and asked him to make it go away. He said the car crash had triggered PTSD from anxiety from previous traumas in my life and he immediately diagnosed me. Even on Big Brother, the days before the moment with Ryan I was crumbling to pieces. I was shaking in the diary room, saying my head didn’t feel right, and was seen by medics, but the audience weren’t shown any of this. Big Brother was an eruption of everything that I’d been through up till that point.
“Last year was a blessing in disguise, because the universe was trying to tell me I was on the wrong path. Now I’m much calmer, I’m less argumentative and defensive, and I’ll have EMDR
(eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) and CBT therapy for as long as I need. I’ve had to go back to some horrible chapters and relive them, in order to fix them and stop them from controlling me. Part of my recovery is to reframe for the future, to get outside and talk to strangers. For so long I was walking around with my head down and my hat on, so my therapist told me go somewhere where I didn’t feel any intrusion, to take in the fresh air, so I went to Tennessee for a month, which is a special place for me. I feel lighter and I can see clearly now.”
Before CBB, Roxanne hit the headlines for her relationship with steel worker, Lee Walton. They became engaged just a week after they met on social media in December 2017, and even got matching ring finger tattoos. But now she admits their pairing was a mistake.
BEST VERSION OF HERSELF
But despite reports that she was dumped by Lee after the scandal, Roxanne insists she was the one to call time on their relationship. She says, “The first major decision I made after CBB was to end my relationship. Last year, I got embarrassingly carried away and badly wanted to carve out some happiness. I looked at my friends who were engaged and settled with kids; I was 36 and didn’t have any of that. If anybody had shown me affection, and told me we had things in common, I would have just clung to it – and that’s what happened. It was contrived happiness. I was engaged to someone I didn’t know. The isolation after CBB gave me clarity, and I realised Lee wasn’t the one and it wouldn’t have been fair to stay when my heart wasn’t in it. He isn’t a bad person, we were just on different pages.”
And although she was pictured on a date with Mike Etherington – who was later revealed to have called her “manipulative and disgusting’” in resurfaced Tweets he’d posted circa her CBB scandal – Roxanne insists she is still single, but remains hopeful for love. She adds, “I just met Mike for a coffee. I’m still single and I’m such a romantic and I’d like to find love, but I’m just focusing on me for now. I’ve learned better than to just to cling onto someone for the hell of it.” She laughs, “I’m romantic, but I’m not desperate. It’ll take a really strongminded guy with a big heart to win me over!”
And as she looks to her future, Roxanne believes she’s become the best version of herself since seeking help. She says, “Last year doesn’t define my life. It was two weeks out of 36 years, but CBB was the biggest wake-up call of my life – and the most valuable lesson. It broke me, but then it made me. For now, my priorities have changed. Life isn’t about a career or success, it’s about being healthy and happy. I’ve already been working with mental health groups, sharing my story and helping others. I want to use my platform and be an advocate for mental health, and piece myself together. It might take the rest of my life, but that’s OK.”
‘I should have got help 20 years ago’