What’s behind the rise in marriages saved by the pandemic?
A spike in divorces was predicted to happen at the end of lockdown – but for some couples it’s completely rejuvenated their relationships…
At the start of this year, Dennie Smith was looking for two different homes – one for her and one for her husband of 35 years, Graham, 57. The pair had grown apart and they were considering getting a divorce. Then the pandemic hit, and lockdown halted their plans to move. Dennie, 58, says, “Our marriage had been dead for the last seven years. It had got to the stage where just hearing him drink a cup of tea would set my teeth on edge. I couldn’t see a way back. I felt unsupported and unloved, we did nothing together – we even ate separately.”
Dennie, who lives in Caterham, Surrey and runs a hair salon and an online dating agency, was concerned at how they’d cope in lockdown with so much enforced time together.
LUCKY
But in fact, the couple have thrived – and it’s pulled their relationship back from the brink. Dennie, who has four grown-up children with Graham, a caretaker, explains,
“Over the last few weeks,
I’ve realised that I’m lucky to have Graham. Tragically, Graham’s mum died in May from coronavirus. We were devastated and my heart went out to him. It was awful seeing him in so much pain, and it made me realise that I did still love and care for him.
“Also, having so much time on my hands gave me time to reflect on my life and realise I had put the children first – and even our dogs took priority over our marriage. I became less caring towards him. The pandemic made me realise it was both of us neglecting our marriage.
“Now, we’ve started doing more together, just small things like having dinner and walking the dog. But I feel like we’re come a long way in the past few months, and we’ve decided to stay together.”
ISOLATION
While it had been thought that lockdown would test even the most resilient of relationships – one law firm saw a 40 per cent rise in divorce enquiries between March and May this year – according to another survey, almost 76 per cent of couples said that social isolation
has had a beneficial effect on their relationship. Some 59 per cent felt more committed to their partner than ever after dealing with the pandemic together, and 42 per cent welcomed the quality time they had been able to spend with their partners.
Closer’s psychological therapist Emma Kenny explains, “We’ve all slowed down, and there’s been time to reflect on our lives and priorities. The importance of family has been very apparent, and I think that’s made people value what they have in front of them.
“In normal life, lots of couples end up leading separate lives due to their busy lifestyles and work commitments. That can often cause a loss of connection. But when couples start spending time together, then they remember why they fell in love originally and appreciate each other. This can be because the husband is helping more with chores, or even seeing them
‘at work’ in the home can be very attractive because you see a different side to them. The key thing is to work out what made your relationship flourish during lockdown, and to make changes so that you can keep experiencing the advantages once life is back to normal.”
COUNSELLING
Like Dennie, Laura Yates has also found that her relationship has flourished. Before lockdown, her marriage to husband Andy, 39, who she met at university, was in trouble. They’d tried counselling but it hadn’t worked.
Laura, 39, who has two children – Thomas, ten, and Harriet, seven – and lives near Plymouth, explains, “Our sparkle had gone, and we led separate lives. Andy worked away a lot as an engineer, and our weekends were taken up with sports and drama clubs for the children. I’d started up a new business as a hypnotherapist and was focused on making it a success. I loved him, but I also felt lonely and didn’t want to live with someone who felt more like a housemate than a partner. We talked about separating, because every time we tried to work things out, it ended in an argument.
REDISCOVERED
“But since lockdown, our relationship has improved enormously. Our life has slowed down, we have time for each other again, and I remember why I fell in love with him.
“We now go on lovely long family walks and he’s really helpful with the children.
We’ve started flirting and laughing together again, and I feel that we have rediscovered our relationship. I will always be grateful for lockdown for enabling us to revive our marriage, we’ll make sure we stick to the changes that we’ve made – like sharing jobs around the house – once lockdown has lifted.”
By Mel Fallowfield
I FEEL LIKE WE’VE COME A LONG WAY DURING THE PAST FEW MONTHS AND WE’RE GOING TO STAY TOGETHER