‘I COULDN’T CARRY ON – I WAS BURNED OUT’

Carmelah Hulse, 41, is a nurse. She lives in Stockport, with her husband Daniel, 44, and their children Ethan, eight, and Megan, four. She says, “I developed anxiety a few weeks into the first wave of the pandemic. I was working five shifts a week on COVID-19 wards, often without a break – even to go to the toilet – for ten hours. And often we didn’t have enough PPE to go around.

At home, I couldn’t cuddle my kids for fear of passing on the virus. And I was struggling to sleep, averaging about four hours a night. Then, as the months passed, many of my colleagues caught the virus, and a close colleague of mine died. She was only 39.

“Even as lockdown eased, my friends and family didn’t want to see me, in case I had the virus. And my hairdresser, who’s a very close friend, was reluctant to cut my hair. I don’t blame them, but it made me feel like an outcast. I didn’t seek out any help – I always felt that others were having a worse time than me, and I didn’t want to add any more burden to the NHS. But, by October, I’d reached burnout. One day, I admitted to my husband that I couldn’t remember my journeys to and from work – I was just too physically and mentally exhausted.

Hearing this, he asked me to stop and I agreed. I couldn’t carry on. I’ve now transferred to working in the outpatients department. I’m so glad I haven’t got to work in the ICU during this new wave of the virus. I do feel guilty that I’m not on the frontline, but I had to put myself first.”