He’s always been prepared to go where others fear to tread, and now that Zygote has a dog poo detector he no longer risks putting his foot in it
We can all finally sleep easy, as Zygote unveils a computerised glove that helps to control your dreams, and computer analysis confirms that Hitler’s still dead
Dormio is a magic mitten designed to help us control our dreams. The technology is open source, the components are available online, and you can plug it into a mobile phone for some instant mind-control.
The computerised glove tracks a range of simple biometrics, including sweaty bits and twitchy bits, and the data is then crunched to calculate what stage of sleep we are in. The vital period is the one when we transit from semi-consciousness into deep sleep, which is how the intriguing state of lucid dreaming is detected. And that’s when a whispering robot starts to make suggestive remarks. For example, if the synthetic voice murmurs the words ‘calendar’ and ‘car crash’, then it is highly likely that our lucid dream will feature these items. In which case, Zygote looks forward to the government issuing every one of us with a free unit in time for Brexit day.
The Russian authorities have authorised a team of French boffins to examine fragments of a human skull and teeth, which have been stored in a laboratory for 72 years. Computer analysis proves that the deceased was male, a vegetarian and probably committed suicide by shooting himself. DNA analysis has been used to compare fragments of teeth with a set of false choppers known to have belonged to a Herr Adolphus Shicklgruber from Linz in Austria-Hungary.
So there we have it. Thanks to the latest technology, we now know that Hitler is still dead.
The Crown Prosecution Service is the most important agency in England and Wales for fingering criminals and banging wrong ’uns to rights. In which case, it is most unfortunate that the CPS has been fined £320,000 by the Information Commissioner’s Office for failing to protect the identities of victims of child sexual abuse, abusive perpetrators and key witnesses. A man in a suit said “a new digital system is being rolled out to allow the secure transfer of material between the CPS and the police”, and Zygote notes that similar words were blathered the last time an identical incident happened.
Readers may be interested to note that this most recent breach of the Data Protection Act by the CPS was caused when two DVDs of witness videos were sent by courier between offices outside of working hours. They were simply left in reception and got nicked. As a result of these understandable mitigating circumstances, the fine has been slashed by a third.
At last, a sensible use for social media has been found, and it’s a positive contribution to the wellbeing and happiness of society.
Amanda Carlin, a former parish councillor residing in the Cambridgeshire village of Wimblington, has created an online mapping system to track dog poo. She has stepped up to the plate with #doodoowatch, allowing offended citizens to pinpoint pooch plops via Facebook and Twitter, and create an interactive map of doggy doo hotspots.
“A lot of children were walking to school with poo on their shoes,” said Ms Carlin. “It’s a health and safety issue.”
The excremental data is relayed to the council, which then dispatches a pooper-scooper snatch squad to deal with the problem. The system has proved surprisingly successful, and similar mess maps have been adopted in over 60 locations, from Yorkshire to Cornwall.
Zygote looks forward to advances in technology whereby the system can be automatically triggered by the canine communications system we all know as wee-mail.
In pure business terms, it is profitable to indulge in practices where marginal costs such as electricity, computer hardware and cooling systems are lower than the marginal product, especially when it comes to bitcoin mining. Because the value of bitcoin has risen from $40bn a year ago to way over $1tn today, the amount of electricity needed to keep the bonanza going has increased at a similar rate.
But although the relative costs of conjuring up bitcoin is surprisingly stable, the energy required is starting to drain resources needed for more mundane things, like the needs of human beings. There’s no need to panic, though. Only 0.5% of the world’s energy supply is currently being used to mine bitcoin, and the rate of increase is only running at 300% a year.
To save the personal energy of getting your calculators out, Zygote has done the maths for you. All the rest of the world’s energy will have been harnessed to keep bitcoin alive by 26th February 2023.
After hackers breached the security of a major casino by hijacking a decorative fishtank in the lobby, corporate aquarium owners have become extremely nervous about integral Wi-Fi devices such as thermostats, automatic feeders and oxygen monitors. The crooks gained access via an internet-connected thermometer and then exploited the internal network to infiltrate the casino database. They managed to slurp 10GB of video security footage, along with sensitive information about the identities and gambling habits of high rollers and big spenders.
Zygote would very much like to take all this seriously, but is unable to do so. This is because the fishy hackers have now been traced to, wait for it, Finland.