COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT The January sales ◆
All-out tug of war and the jumper rips. The Shopper still considers buying it.
This is an agreement made by A Woman Participating In The January Sales, ____________________ (hereafter referred to as the Shopper) 1 PREPARATION
The Shopper spends the week before scanning her favourite websites. She spots an incredible leather jacket she cannot live without. Her inner voice (which is actually her mum) says, “Don’t get that – it’ll be in the sale.” She will check on progress of said jacket daily, to find it’s finally reduced, but only in lime green and a size 2.
2 GOING TO WAR
The Shopper decides to join the front line – the high street on Boxing Day. Her alarm goes off at 6am, she scrapes her hair into an ‘I mean business’ ponytail, puts on sensible shoes, packs her survival kit (credit card, cereal bars, water), and begins the pilgrimage to the shops.
3 SELL-OUT
The Shopper needs to find a bargain. In a panic she grabs a sparkly jumpsuit, a bikini and heels unsuitable for walking – but everything is under £15 so it’s totally OK.
4 SALE SWEATS
Her parka was perfect for the sub-zero weather, but inside a busy Zara it feels like she’s entering menopause. Her coat is definitely too big for her handbag but she needs both arms. After accidentally dropping it on the floor, she sees a woman casually trying it on at a nearby mirror then walking towards the till.
5 FIGHT
The Shopper makes a beeline for a gorgeous chunky knit on the ‘under £10’ rail. So does another woman. The Shopper says, “Guess we’ll have to fight for it, then.” Both laugh but a gentle pull turns into an
6 SIZING IT UP
The changing rooms are closed due to ‘overcrowding’ and all the shop-floor mirrors are blocked by women layering leather dresses over Christmas jumpers. In desperation the Shopper resorts to a hand mirror. That body-con mini is definitely going to fit.
7 MATHS
The Shopper will ask herself, “Would you buy this if it wasn’t in the sale?” as she reviews her basket. The answer is no. In panic she ditches half of it on the shelf of sweets and lint rollers they put near the tills to tempt you, then tries to pay for the rest with a paper voucher left over from last year. The shop assistant scowls and holds up a sign: ‘Gift cards and cash only.’ Shit.
8 THE WAIT
The shopper joins the queue, laden with wide-leg trousers, a multicoloured coat (‘good with black’) and a pair of velvet platforms in the wrong size. After 30 minutes and no movement, the Shopper will be advised by a sales assistant to pay upstairs as there’s “no queue”. This turns out to be a MASSIVE lie.
9 RETURNS
In the cold light of day, the Shopper realises the multicoloured coat is unlikely to leave the back of her wardrobe. Ditto the velvet platforms. She decides to return the majority of her purchases. The Shopper will head to the shops and become distracted by stock she didn’t see yesterday. She will then repeat stages 5 to 9.
Signed: ________________________________________________________________________ (the Shopper)