COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT

Meeting someone off a dating app

This is an agreement made by A Woman Daring To Enter The Oversaturated And Potentially Torturous World Of App Dating, ____________________ (hereafter referred to as The Dater)

1 THE APPROACH

The Dater has read that dating is like playing the stock market: nope, not full of arseholes and potentially a colossal waste of money – but an odds game. Speculate to accumulate, she tells herself, as she ‘likes’ 400 guys in a row. Sure, she can’t move her right thumb and is partially blind from all the overwhitened teeth, but at least there’ll almost certainly be one non-nutter among the many idiots hugging tigers. Right?

2 THE OPENING LINE

The first three people who talk to her use only emojis. Another asks if she’s ‘naughty’ on weekends. After promptly deleting them, then sanitising her phone, she finally takes matters into her own hands. After three hours crafting the perfect opener, she settles on ‘How you doing?’ She sends those three words to the 50 normal-ish-looking guys she matched with, offering up a silent prayer to the dating gods.

3 SETTING A DATE

At least five potentials get back to her, and after some back and forth, one sends a cocktail emoji followed by a question mark. It. Is. ON. In 2017, this is basically the same as someone walking to your table, and asking you to dance.

4 THE ARRIVAL

Her date’s profile says he’s 6ft, so she’s in heels. But having been stung by that trick before, she also has flats in her bag. To look more like her profile picture (taken five years ago on holiday, when she had that post-stomach-bugtummy-flatness thing going on), she’s had a spray tan and worn Spanx two sizes too small. She is casually stalking him on all three of his social-media channels when he arrives.

5 GET-OUT CARD

Part of the ‘dating = the stock market’ school of thought is knowing when to get out. Therefore, she starts the date with a get-out-of-there card: “I might have to leave early,” she says.“My flatmate [she lives alone] has just broken up with her boyfriend [all her mates are single] and lost her job [OK, maybe she’s gone too far] and is sick with a cold, so… I might need to go.” He buys it. The Dater realises she’s wasted in her current job and vows to do more amateur dramatics.

6 WEIRD MOMENTS

The following will most certainly happen: a) The Dater will invariably ask about her date’s childhood in Leeds (that was another match she was chatting to); b) she’ll accidentally mention his recent skiing holiday… then remember she only knows this from the aforementioned Instagram stalking; c) both phones will ping throughout with Tinder/Bumble/ Happn notifications, which were furiously swiped in the cab beforehand, should said date go tits up.

7 DECIDING FACTORS

Her date asks no questions. Not one. She basically spends two hours interviewing him about his life story. When he starts naming all his childhood guinea pigs, she gives up. Time to invoke the get-out card.

8 THE AFTERMATH

Around three hours later, when she’s drowning in a pool of cynicism and binge-watching Westworld, her spirits are momentarily lifted when she appears to receive a ‘Did you get home OK?’ safety text. Maybe he’s not a total arse after all, she thinks as she opens the message. ‘Did you get home OK, Emma?’ it says. Her name is Ruth.