COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT The bottomless brunch

This is an agreement made by A Woman Going For A Bottomless Brunch, _________________ (hereafter referred to as The Bruncher)

1 PREPARATION

The Bruncher will waste an hour trying on outfits to find the spot where ‘weekend casual’ meets ‘elasticated waistband’ – and wonder if it’s sensible to warm up her stomach, like stretching before a marathon? She will settle on a modest, pre-brunch snackette of fruit and yoghurt. And a croissant. Just to keep her going.

2 DELAYED GRATIFICATION

One member of her party was three minutes late and now there’s a 45-minute wait. On finally being led to their table, whooping like game-show contestants, The Bruncher and her crew will be informed that the ‘bottomless’ deal has small print longer than a mortgage advert, and they have to give the table back in an hour and a half. They will regard this not as a limitation, but as a challenge.

3 ORDER, ORDER

The Bruncher will spend 10 minutes coaching everyone else on their choices, including the friend who refuses to understand the concept of brunch and wants to know why she can’t have a burger. Everyone will end up choosing some variant of eggs on toast, except The Bruncher who will panic-order the nine-hour slow-cooked short-rib brioche kimchi Benedict bowl and a stack of pancakes ‘for the table.’

4 BOTTOMS UP

The Bruncher and her crew will drink flat whites, orange juice and prosecco simultaneously, and are rarely without a liquid-holder near their mouths. When the food arrives, The Bruncher will spend several minutes arranging everyone’s food and barking,“DON’T RUIN THE LATTE ART,” before climbing on a velvet banquette to take the perfect overhead shot of the table.

5 BOTTOMS DOWN

With the clock ticking and a waitress hovering nearby, the group’s objective will rapidly shift from ‘having a nice time’ to ‘getting their money’s worth.’ They will work out a system so that they each have two glasses of prosecco on the go at once. The Bruncher will admit defeat only when she hazily spoons butter into her mouth, having mistaken it for a kind of delicious custard.

6 TIME’S UP

Total Eclipse Of The Heart comes on and The Bruncher looks around and realises every single person around her is absolutely hammered, and screeching along. She’s about to clamber up onto her chair to join in, when the waitress comes over and tells them their time is up. The Bruncher stumbles out into the street, blinking, and realises she has very little idea if it’s 2pm or 10pm, or even still Sunday.

7 ROCK BOTTOM

The Bruncher will decide to go shopping. All the fizz has made her feel fancy, so she walks into a posh shop she’d never normally dare enter. It is here, being helped out of a £300 jumpsuit while trying not to hiccup in the assistant’s face, she becomes aware of the vast amount of liquid and food curdling in her intestine, and decides to send herself home. Urgently. Later, on the sofa, she will post the table photo and hashtag it #BrunchGoals, while contemplating what to have for dinner.

Signed: ____________________________ (The Bruncher)