COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT The First Valentine’s
This is an agreement made by A Person Kinda Dating Someone On Valentine’s Day,
_______________________________ (hereafter referred to as The Admired) 1 THE BLUFF
As Valentine’s Day approaches, The Admired will take care to make very clear that she doesn’t give a sh*t about it. This will include, but is not limited to: rolling her eyes at Moonpig adverts; loud speeches about the patriarchy; muttering about it all being “a marketing ploy”; the odd rant about how she’d never wear red satin underwear. She will tell everyone that she plans to spend the evening watching a war documentary and de-moulding the shower.
2 THE BACKPEDAL
Three days before V-Day, The Admired will receive a message from That Person She’s Kinda Dating, suggesting they get together on the 14th ‘for food or whatever.’ The Admired will seek second opinions from friends, colleagues or, failing that, her barista. Are they aware of the significance of that date? Had it crossed their mind?! ‘Cool,’ she will message back. ‘I like food. Or whatever.’
3 THE CASUAL GESTURE
The Admired will spend approximately three hours combing the internet in search of a Valentine’s card that manages to be funny, arty and sarcastic, yet also somehow imbued with the subtle message that she might be The One. She will try to think of an in-joke to reference and find she has magically forgotten every conversation they’ve ever had. She will then go to Paperchase and end up buying a card with an ironic poo joke on it.
4 ROSES ARE RED
On Valentine’s Day, The Admired will spend all day trying to maintain a neutral expression while pretty much every person in her office gets a huge bunch of flowers delivered. She will watch as they Instagram them, privately judging each one on tackiness. Later her stomach will flip as a courier appears to walk straight towards her desk with a vast bunch of peonies, but these will turn out to be for Lucia, who got the promotion The Admired was hoping for.
5 “I JUST THREW THIS ON!”
Having decided her culottes and oversized jumper don’t say ‘cute and cosy’ so much as ‘taking the bins out,’ The Admired will panic-buy a new outfit on her lunch hour. It will feature velvet, lace, lurex, an awkward convertible bra or all of the above. Determined not to let anyone at work know that she might be changing her hardline stance on commercialised romance, she will end up getting changed for her date-or-whatever in the toilets at the Caffè Nero round the corner.
6 THE NOT-SO-CASUAL GESTURE
Writing her Valentine’s card on the damp counter next to the sugar sachets and napkins, The Admired will discover too late that the message inside her casual card reads ‘Always and forever, my soulmate.’ She will be forced to cover this up with a hastily drawn erotic sketch.
7 THE LAST SEDUCTION
The Admired will arrive at the venue for her casual dinner to find it is covered in red streamers and heartshaped balloons, and the only menu on offer is a fivecourse aphrodisiac sharing banquet for two, priced at £45 a head. She and That Person She’s Kinda Dating will laugh nervously as they are serenaded by a full mariachi band playing John Legend covers. Getting into the spirit of things, The Admired will hand over her ‘ironic’ card. “Oh,” Date-Or-Whatever will say, looking awkward.“Sorry. I’m just not really, like, into Valentine’s Day.”