THE OTHER LOVER
Why I vetted my wife’s affair
At the start of my polyamorous journey, I very much clung to the fact that my relationship with my wife, Lucy*, was identified as the “primary” in poly terms. The fact that we live together and have children, and our family life continues happily, was a great comfort when it came to allowing Lucy to date other men. “Everything else is of secondary importance to the primary relationship,” I figured. Indeed, to start with, this was even reflected in our sex life. The first few months of “going poly” were characterised not by promiscuous bedhopping, but by Lucy and I having the hottest, most regular sex we’d had for years. But all of this changed when Lucy met Max.*
Having had a number of false starts in poly
dating, Lucy is understandably excited when things with Max start to go really well. Max doesn’t have a primary partner himself, but since his divorce a few years back, he has only been interested in non-monogamous dating. I meet Max and like him much more than Lucy’s previous boyfriend, whom I met a couple of months back. We get on well and have a lot in common, with similar taste in music, films… and women, it would seem. He even looks a little bit like me and I take this as a good sign – at least I’m still Lucy’s type! At first, I’m just happy that she’s happy, plus I have my ongoing relationship with Nell* to focus on, so there is some balance. Soon, however, my sense of equilibrium begins to tip. Lucy starts spending a lot more time with Max than I choose to spend with Nell. Because of my job, I have far more occasion to be out in the evenings than Lucy does. And whenever I’m late at work, away on business, out with friends or, indeed, sometimes seeing Nell, Max is invariably at our house, shagging my wife. Quickly it becomes clear that Lucy and Max’s meetings are charged with the same sexual energy that characterises any new relationship – primary or not. Sometimes I arrive home to find the sheets unexpectedly changed, or Lucy tells me she’s bought another piece of expensive leather to add to her sexrestraint collection. It’s sometimes too much for me to take, and we have one particularly bad argument when she tells me about the multiple orgasms he’s been giving her. In polyamory, it’s easy to overshare.
I remind myself that there is no cheating going on, and that everything is open and honest. It helps these moments of raw jealousy pass quite quickly. However, whereas usually I’d soon feel happy again, this time I’m left feeling sad. As Lucy and Max’s relationship hots up, the sex in our marriage cools down again. The old competitiveness I felt when we first became poly is back, and “primary status” feels like little compensation.
The only thing that cheers me up is an old friend pointing out that when you’ve been with someone for over a decade (as Lucy and I have), it’s entirely normal to have less sex than you used to. He says I should be happy that I’m getting it elsewhere, with my wife’s blessing! It’s logic that’s hard to argue with and it teaches me an important lesson about polyamory – having multiple, simultaneous relationships inevitably means that those relationships will be at different stages at the same time. Drawing direct comparisons isn’t advisable or healthy. Neither relationship is more important than the other. They are just different.
Polyamory is supposed to allow you to enjoy the loving, comfortable security of a long-term relationship alongside the hot passion of a new love, and perhaps it’s time I really tested this out. Perhaps my deeply ingrained, subconscious doubts about the real possibilities of polyamory have been holding me back from fully pursuing my relationship with Nell – keeping it in a low-key, casual-sex zone. I decide it’s time I focus more energy on my “nonprimary” partner, something I’m suddenly very excited about…
The Polyamory Diaries chronicles one man’s reluctant journey into polyamory in order to save his marriage. Read the previous instalments at Cosmopolitan. com/uk/polyamory-diaries