Cosmopolitan (UK) - - Cosmoclassified -

This is an agree­ment made by A Per­son Meet­ing Their Best Mate’s New Boyfriend Or Girl­friend For The First Time, __________________ (here­after re­ferred to as The Goose­berry)


The Goose­berry will re­ceive a strict brief­ing from her best friend on things she’s not al­lowed to talk about. This will in­clude but is not lim­ited to: the best mate’s exes, the best mate’s Tin­der matches, the best mate’s former job as a chil­dren’s en­ter­tainer, and that hairy mole on the best mate’s back. The Goose­berry will agree re­luc­tantly. She will prom­ise not to be too judge­men­tal about the new per­son’s shoes.


To say hello, the Goose­berry will pull The New Flame into a long hug, while mouthing “HOT!” and do­ing a thumbs-up over their shoul­der. She will silently judge their shoes. The New Flame will joke about need­ing to earn her ap­proval and The Goose­berry will nod, as this is cor­rect. Her mouth will say, “I’ll get the gins in!” while her eyes say, “Hurt them and I will end you.”


The Goose­berry will lis­ten po­litely as her best friend and The New Flame tell an in­cred­i­bly long story about go­ing to a farm­ers’ mar­ket last week­end that ends with “You prob­a­bly had to be there.” They will do this while some­how stroking each other’s knees and kiss­ing each other’s necks si­mul­ta­ne­ously. The Goose­berry will or­der a bot­tle of wine. She will not ask what any­one else is hav­ing.


To show she’s been around longer, The Goose­berry will get weirdly com­pet­i­tive. She will be­gin telling lots of long, nos­tal­gic sto­ries about things she and her best mate did 15 years ago. Re­mem­ber that time they got de­ten­tion for chuck­ing that teacher’s wig on top of the mod­ern lan­guages build­ing? Wasn’t it SO FUNNY? Her best mate will not re­mem­ber. The Goose­berry will sulk.


When the best mate gets up and goes to the loo, an awk­ward si­lence will de­scend. “Soooo,” they will say. The Goose­berry will de­cide she must bond with The New Flame the only way she knows how: tak­ing the piss out of her best mate. This will work a treat. When the best mate comes back, they will be five al­bums deep into pho­tos of the best mate’s noughties hair­cuts, laugh­ing hys­ter­i­cally.


Fi­nally start­ing to re­lax, The Goose­berry will make a hi­lar­i­ous joke about some­thing no­body could pos­si­bly be into – like fox-hunt­ing or Cold­play. Un­for­tu­nately it will turn out that The New Flame is ac­tu­ally very into fox-hunt­ing and/or Cold­play. There will be a long, awk­ward pause. Ev­ery­one will take a big gulp of drink. “Um,” The Goose­berry will say. “So how about that hairy mole, eh?”

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