COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT The first ever tattoo ◆

COSMOPOLITAN CONTRAC T

This is an agreement made by A Person Getting Their First Tattoo, __________________ (hereafter referred to as The Ink Virgin)

1 ART HOMEWORK

The Ink Virgin will spend years/weeks/ hours looking for a highly original design with deep emotional significance. She will read a lot of internet poetry, look at old photos and sketch no fewer than eight ideas in a notebook. Eventually she will give up and choose one from Pinterest. The Ink Virgin will ask everyone she knows for their honest opinions, and if they say anything except “Ohmigod, LOVE IT” she will reply that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks anyway.

2 SAFETY FIRST

On the big day, The Ink Virgin will arrive at the studio clutching a bag full of snacks “for strength”. She will get weirdly anxious filling out the health and safety form. Hang on,

is she pregnant? Could she somehow have a pacemaker without knowing? Can you get high on the smell of rubbing alcohol? A text will arrive from her mother, warning her that a tattoo might damage her future job prospects. She will ignore it.

3 INK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

The Ink Virgin will explain to her tattoo artist that she wants the design to be very small – nothing huge or tacky. As the words leave her mouth, The Ink Virgin will notice that the artist has full tattoo sleeves, a giant wolf on his neck and what looks like a sci-fi porn version of the Bayeux Tapestry across the back of his head. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that!” she’ll add.

4 PINS AND NEEDLES

It’s showtime. The moment the needle touches her skin, The Ink Virgin will begin some very dramatic breathing, as though she is giving birth. Her tattoo artist will ask her politely to stop squirming. The Ink Virgin will sneak a look down at her developing tat and discover it looks like a GIANT, BLOODY BLOB. She did not ask for that. She will freak out and breathe harder.

5 CHIT-CHAT FOR TAT

To distract herself from the pain and The Blob, The Ink Virgin will begin to talk. A lot. About anything. She will tell the tattoo artist her life story, her views on Brexit, and what happened at her birthday sleepover in 2002. She will be so engrossed in a story about her cat falling into the bath that she will not notice the buzzing has stopped. It’s finished. It’s finished!

6 ABSOLUTELY TATTED

Somehow The Blob has morphed into a beautiful flower. The Ink Virgin will be so overcome with adrenalin and emotion that she will hug her tattoo artist. The Ink Virgin will spend the rest of the day walking around proudly with her arm straight out, wrapped in clingfilm like a homemade sandwich, so everyone can see how cool and edgy she is. She will go to Boots to buy the recommended nappy-rash cream. “Oh hey, cool tattoo,” the cashier will say. “My mum has the exact same one.” Signed: (The Ink Virgin)