COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT ◆

Meditation for beginners

This is an agreement made by A Person Learning To Meditate For The First Time, __________________ (hereafter referred to as The Mindful)

1 ARE YOU SITTING COMFORTABLY?

The Mindful will begin her meditation session by getting centred. She won’t be sure what this means exactly, so she will build a small nest of sofa cushions on the floor and sit cross-legged in the centre of it. She will then decide the lighting is too harsh and get up to light some candles. The candles will make her hot, so The Mindful will get up again to open a window. This will make the room noisy, so The Mindful will then spend 20 minutes trying to find a good playlist of whale music on Spotify. All this effort will make her hungry, so The Mindful will reward herself with a snack break.

2 FREE YOUR MIND

Belly full, The Mindful will get re-centred and try to empty her mind. “Empty,” she will think. “Empty.” This will immediately remind her of at least eight bits of life admin she’s forgotten to do, all of which will suddenly seem very important. The Mindful will empty the bin, empty her phone camera roll and empty the toaster crumb tray that she hasn’t touched since 2011. “OK,” she will think. “Now I can relax.”

3 OMMING AND AAHING

The Mindful will try to empty her mind again. Instead she will end up having elaborate fantasy arguments with everyone who has ever wronged her. The Mindful will give up on emptying her mind and instead she will focus her attention on each of her body parts as they work

together in harmony. This will lead to several minutes of The Mindful trying to see if she can make her boobs move independently of each other. She can’t.

4 OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE

The Mindful will notice a weird feeling in her foot. She will attempt to scratch it, mindfully. Unable to think about anything except the Weird Foot Feeling, The Mindful will pause her meditation to Google symptoms of deep-vein thrombosis. She will fall into an internet hole and end up five scrolls deep into a stranger’s wedding hashtag before she remembers the meditating. Oddly, the Weird Foot Feeling will have disappeared.

5 HOLD THAT THOUGHT

The Mindful will put her phone in another room and get back to meditating. She will try to do what the guides say and impartially observe her thoughts as they float past. The Mindful will observe her thoughts. The Mindful will give her thoughts ladies’ names. The Mindful will realise she is now trying to remember all the lyrics to Mambo

No. 5. The Mindful will punch a cushion.

6 PERFECTLY ZEN

Eventually, after what feels like several hours, The Mindful will notice her brain beginning to feel calm and clear. Her muscles will relax, her breathing will become deep and even. The Mindful will observe these sensations with a smug sense of detachment. She’s finally doing it! She’s meditating! She’s… oh, wait. She’s asleep.