COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT

The bumping into an ex contract ◆

This is an agreement made by A Person Unexpectedly Meeting An Old Flame, __________________ (hereafter referred to as The Breezy)

1 BRIEF ENCOUNTER

The Breezy will only bump into The Ex when she is one of the following: hungover, thunderingly premenstrual, on her way home from a spin class, shepherding her grandmother around Debenhams, faceplanting a kebab, leaving her house for the first time in three days to buy Lemsip, or carrying a massive nine-pack of loo roll. The Breezy will never, ever bump into The Ex on a day when her hair is doing that spontaneous bouncy flick thing she likes.

2 MISTAKEN IDENTITY

The Breezy’s stomach will go all wobbly, as though she is in a very fast lift. At first she will tell herself The Ex is just a person who looks a bit like her ex, because of all the other times she thought she saw them and it turned out to be a shop mannequin or an especially large dog. By the time The Ex is close enough for The Breezy to realise it’s actually them, it will, unfortunately, be too late to escape or hide.

3 SMOOTH OPERATOR

Despite it being impossible, The Breezy will try to escape or hide anyway. She will attempt this by standing behind a lamppost, pulling her hair over her face like the girl from The

Ring, or using a stranger as a human shield. When The Ex stops and says, “Er, hi,” The Breezy will do an elaborate double-take and say something like, “Howdy, fair stranger!” She will go in for a cheek kiss just as The Ex goes in for a hug, and will end up putting her nose briefly in their ear.

4 FRIENDS REUNITED

While attempting to maintain casual, witty small talk with The Ex, The Breezy’s brain will try desperately to remember if these are the leggings with a period stain on the back. The Breezy will become so fixated on wondering how she looks that she will stop listening to what The Ex is actually saying. Only after she has laughed loudly and replied, “Haha, amazing,” will she discover that The Ex has just been telling her their dog died.

5 MEMORY LANE

The Breezy will try to fake surprise and interest as The Ex tells her things that she definitely already knows from about a hundred hours of social-media stalking. Out of nowhere, just as The Ex is talking about their recent promotion (already knew) and new flat (yup), The Breezy will be struck by a graphic sex flashback. She will turn red and find herself incapable of using the English language, instead making noises like “herghmghn” and “fnaarr”. The Breezy will try to lean against a nearby wall, but there will not be a wall there.

6 SASHAY AWAY

When they say goodbye, The Breezy will put every ounce of her energy into walking away in a manner that looks nonchalant, desirable, angry and independent all at the same time. A walk that says “Actually I’m living my best life without you but I’m just too cool to mention it”. The Ex will shout her name. The Breezy will turn around, full of emotion, to find she has forgotten her nine-pack of loo roll.