EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

P45 in the post? Awardwinning work tales of woe

TEENAGE KICKS

Having grown up in France, when I moved over to the UK and got a bar job, I didn’t know what a J2O was. I assumed it was something alcoholic, so I started IDing 17-year-olds when they ordered them. FRANCESCA, 21, BIRMINGHAM

MESSAGE RECEIVED

There was construction going on outside my office and everyone complained about the noise, except the manager I hate, who said it didn’t bother her. I fired off an angry email to a friend saying the drilling wasn’t as annoying as my boss’s voice. After I clicked “send”, my heart sank. Yep, you can guess who it went to… GEORGIA, 25, BRIGHTON

SOMETHING’S FISHY

During my first-ever shift as a waitress, I was leaning over with a plate in my hand and accidentally spilled mussels on a man’s crotch. In a panic, I then proceeded to try to mop up the juice. He did not tip. CLAIRE, 25, SHEFFIELD

JOBSWORTH

I was working as a private chef in Italy when I managed to block the sink. I didn’t know the word for “plunger”, so in the shop, owned by a nice Italian couple, I started to mime pushing a plunger up and down and water splashing up with force. As she covered her eyes and he frowned, I realised I’d just mimed a hand job. RACHEL, 50, SALISBURY

PITCH GLITCH

I thought I was nailing my first meeting with a well-known high-street brand, as they looked pretty amused during my sales pitch. Nope. Turns out instead of telling them how good the simulators were and how they must give them a go, I’d been saying stimulator. HANNAH, 30, LONDON

TROUBLED WATER

I’m Canadian and I was serving two British guys in a restaurant. One of them asked for water and I just couldn’t understand his accent. So, instead of asking him to repeat himself, I replied, “Oh, sorry, we’re out of that.” STEPH, 27, SOUTHAMPTON

TEXT HEX

Before starting my new job, I spent the weekend celebrating. We were all drunk and a friend thought it’d be funny to take my phone and send filthy texts to random contacts – including, of course, my new boss. On my first day, I got called to their office to discuss my “inappropriate message”. Mortifying. CLAIRE, 37, MANCHESTER

LIP SERVICE

I snogged a new guy at the office Christmas party who later transpired to be a patronising idiot. In a meeting a few months later, he tried to shut me down by saying, “Come on now, you’re a clever girl,” and before I could properly think about it, I replied, “Your tongue has been in my mouth, speak to me with more respect.” ELENA, 27, WESTBURY