‘ ‘ WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MONOGAMY… from sleeping with 100 women

Writer Rhik Samadder explains why his sexual conquests make him envy his settled friends

“Does this guy actually like me, or does he just want sex?” My friend V was showing me her text history with a man she’d just met. I sighed and asked how on earth I would know. “Because you’re a slut,” she replied matter-of-factly. She’d given up trying to reform my behaviour and had started using me as a double agent instead, cracking bro code for her.

She’s right – in a way. I have slept with a lot of women. And by a lot, I mean 100… or so. You kind of lose count after a while. I got to sex late – I was quite scared of it as a teen – and lost my virginity at 18. But I more than made up for it in my twenties. I was an actor then, dewy-skinned and pretty – hard to believe now, being a perpetually tired 38-year-old writer with a face like dropped blancmange. I loved being wild and open to opportunity. Monogamy struck me as boring and unrealistic.

I learned to never judge a book by its cover. Some of the most socially awkward, bookish types I met turned out to be hellcats under the covers. Others with highly sexual personae had hang-ups in the sack like everyone else. Some encounters were erotically sublime – yet most were inept, box-tickingly empty, or blended into one another. I remember being in a bedroom with a girl during a party, both so desperate that we attempted to fashion a condom from the plastic wrap of some hung-up dry-cleaning. Do not try that at home. I even had a few threesomes, but they can get complicated. During this time, as I bed-hopped my way around, another friend observed: “It’s like you’re trying to make the whole world love you, one person at a time.” My lack of self-worth was evident to all those around me. Pride melted into embarrassment.

Sleeping with lots of people is a great way to discover what you like. But to know who you are, nothing compares to a real relationship with someone you appreciate for reasons beyond the physical. Someone who knows the childhood forces that shaped you, and how you like your toast. These were the qualities I appreciated in my two five-year relationships. Is monogamy natural? We’ve championed it for centuries, but now personal freedom is our god, I don’t think sexual exclusivity is a deal-breaker. I know monogamous couples with no respect and bad communication, and others in polyamorous relationships that are built on those values.

Another surprise has been that desire ebbs and flows, not just in monogamous partnerships. Single again, I am not out fulfilling my sexual appetite every night – and nor would I want to. I spend most weekends alone, browsing floor rugs and gently misting my cheese plant. Most of my friends have kids. They envy my freedom, I envy their family. If I partner up again, it’ll be with just one person. When it comes to choosing how you conduct your life and relationships, the only rule is that you’ll have regrets whatever your choices. And that’s OK.

“My lack of self-worth was evident”

Rhik Samadder’s debut memoir, I Never Said I Loved You, is out now