Life in my body... with borderline personality disorder

Dina Mouhandes, 30, a PR executive from Brighton, shares how it feels when you live with intense highs and lows

sitting alone in the dark, nestled between hanging coats, I breathed as quietly as possible. I’d been in the wardrobe for hours, desperately hoping my (now ex-) boyfriend’s housemates wouldn’t come in and find me, still hidden away in his bedroom while he was at work.

I couldn’t leave. I was terrified that if I did, I’d never see him again. He’d given me no reason to think like that, but I was certain. This is just one example of how borderline personality disorder (BPD) impacts my life.

I was diagnosed two years ago, after attending group therapy sessions for people with intense emotions.

I’ve displayed symptoms since my teenage years. My mood can totally switch in minutes, I have disturbing thoughts, display reckless behaviour (such as binge-drinking) and form unstable relationships. BPD is believed to stem from genetics or either perfect, or utterly doomed. I once had an argument with a former partner and when they didn’t reply to my texts fast enough, I started smashing glasses because I didn’t know how else to cope. Sometimes I’ll cut or hit myself and become so distressed that I’ll disassociate and black out. When I come round, I feel so heavy with guilt that I can’t stop apologising. I have an overwhelming fear of abandonment and when break-ups have happened in the past, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to let go and will try to befriend my exes later on.

I’ve been offered medication but am sticking with cognitive analytic therapy for now – it’s a type of psychotherapy that taps into the roots of your disorder (like the childhood trauma). I’m still able to function relatively normally in my day-to-day life – bar the odd episode – and full recovery is possible for many. BPD sufferers are often painted as narcissists, but I don’t think that’s fair. Having BPD makes me more empathetic towards others; if anything,

I care too much, rather than not at all.

childhood trauma. Sadly, some of my older family members dismiss it entirely, saying I’ve made the condition up. I see relationships as black or white. Everything is