Can you buy your way to a better sex life?

it senses when you’re near and glows violet, whirring, then dispenses perfectly warmed-up lube, right into the palm of your hand. For about £145,* The Pulse Warmer will do what can easily be achieved by rubbing your hands together a few times. If that’s not for you, how about a smartphone-controlled sex toy that uses sensors to track your body heat and pelvic-floor movements as you masturbate, charting your orgasms in real time? That’ll also set you back around £145. Or what about a 24-carat goldplated G-spot vibrator? For £10,000, it’s yours. Clearly, our sex lives have entered a new, more luxurious realm.

As a sex and relationships journalist, I often think I’ve heard it all. And then something new comes along that’s either completely genius or so eye-rollingly outlandish I find myself yelling at my computer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people doing what they want to improve their sex lives, as long as they’re safe – but the sex-toy market was valued at almost £20 billion in 2019 and is on track to be worth about £35 billion by 2027 (and that was before last year’s lockdown saw sex-toy sales rocket). The more our sex lives become commodified, the more likely it is that we’ll be marketed stuff we don’t really need.

Sexual wellness is no longer confined to a dark corner of the internet – sites like Cult Beauty and Boots now have their own sex sections, so you can browse butt plugs while stocking up on toothpaste. Goop – purveyor of the controversial jade vagina egg – now sells everything from a “date-night box” (about £195 for a vibrator, sex gel, massage oil, chocolate and the “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle) to a 14-carat gold-plated collar-andlead bondage set (about £400).

There are also sexual wellness apps like Emjoy, an “audio guide for intimate wellbeing” with a £10.99 monthly subscription fee, and Ferly, which promises to “radically transform your relationship with sex” from £12.99 a month. And all this is before even mentioning the range of workshops and treatments that you can try (or at least you could pre-COVID-19) in order to “improve” your sex life. Tantric sex retreats for couples starting from about £650 and a £325 three-hour massage for “performance and orgasm issues” spring to mind.

But as well as expensive sex toys most of us couldn’t even dream of being able to afford, the market has also expanded in the opposite direction. Poundland has launched its own range of sex toys, and you can even pick up a seven-speed bullet vibrator at your local Sainsbury’s now for a mere £8. With the thriving industry clearly here to stay, and the sheer variety of products in all manner of price ranges available, does spending more on your sexual wellness actually guarantee success? Can you buy your way to better sex?

THE GOLD STANDARD?

Ness Cooper has spent nearly £3,000 on her sex life in the past year. That has included a Sybian (around £900) – a sex machine with customisable vibrating dildos you can ride – and a rechargeable Doxy Wand vibrator (£149.99). She has also invested in new lingerie (“for regaining selfconfidence”) and a butt plug with crystals inside (because she “needed some sparkle in 2020”). Ness regularly attends a pelvic-floor Pilates class for better sexual enjoyment and is a committed OnlyFans subscriber, changing the model she pays every month to support sex workers through the pandemic.

It was after experiencing pelvicfloor issues and difficulty orgasming that Ness, now 31, decided to invest more in her personal sexual wellbeing. “Years ago, I realised how important it is when looking at wellbeing overall,” she explains. “Sexual pleasure and satisfaction is an integral part of life for many. I’m willing to spend money on it, but I’ve had to really think about what can help me sexually.”

So has her investment paid off? Does every penny spent equal mind-blowing orgasms? It’s not quite as simple as that.“I’ve found that

items that look pretty aren’t always great. Often, sex toys made from expensive materials can break really easily, so they’re just decorative,” says Ness. “There was one I wanted, due to it being classed as a ‘luxury’ brand, and it was meant to feel like oral sex [when] applied to the clitoris. But there was so much wrong with it, and it even damaged my skin. Thankfully, oral-sex simulators have improved since. I also bought a real silver vibrator that was terrible. Gold-plated dildos were a big mistake too, as the vagina’s natural lubricant just stripped the plating off over time.”

While Ness generally likes the sex-position pillows she has invested in, she has since found a cheaper alternative: mobility pillows, as well as those designed to help with back pain, which can be found in super markets .“One of the pillows isn’t great, as it took a bit of trial and error getting the right shape for my body’s contours and needs. But my cat loves it, at least… it’s now a very expensive cat bed,” she tells me, laughing. Courses and workshops have always proved helpful for Ness, too. “I always take something away that helps me,” she says.

Overall, Ness has seen the biggest payback on her investment when she’s bought things for herself – something she’s been doing a lot more in the past year, as she’s no longer in a polyamorous relationship and is exploring dating on her own.“What I buy now is less couplesfocused and more about me – something I probably neglected for years,” she says.

WHO OWNS YOUR ORGASM??

While I’ll groan when I see my bursting inbox, full of bizarre NSFW emails, I’m aware my job comes with a great deal of sexual privilege. I’ve been able to test and review sex toys way beyond my budget, visit sex resorts that would cost thousands, and even attend a £100 workshop that taught me how to use a strap-on. I’ve been granted access to the luxury sexual wellness world that I otherwise couldn’t afford. Through this, I’ve learned what’s worth a hefty price tag. I’ve orgasmed with a £15 vibrator and with a £200 one. And apart from fancy packaging and millennial-pink marketing campaigns, I’m not sure the experiences were all that different.

Of the hundreds of toys I’ve tried, only 10 remain in my under-the-bed sex box. And of those, I only really use five on regular rotation. I only have one vagina, after all. My old faithful is a £29.99 glass dildo from Lovehoney, and on the pricier end of the spectrum is my other favourite, the Kip vibrator from female-owned brand Dame Products. At about £60, it’s not cheap, but its materials are high quality – and having spent hours chatting to the brand’s founder about her activism within the industry, I feel it’s a toy worth splashing out on. As for the dildo, the glass is sustainable, will last a lifetime, and – most importantly – is body-safe.

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“Essentially, all sex toys out there have the same components”