First love
Each month, we send two exes on a (virtual) date to see what happens
“I will always have love for Courtney” Victoria, 23, is a journalist living in London
Courtney and I met at our college weekend job in July 2014, when I was nearly 17. There was a group of girls who started at the same time and we’d go out for drinks after work. After a couple of months, we started hanging out alone. I hadn’t even come out to myself as bisexual, but I knew I liked Courtney. I didn’t know her sexuality but we had a connection, so I made the first move. By September we were dating. Not being open about our relationship did cause some tension. At the time, I wasn’t labelling my sexuality but I wasn’t hiding it either, whereas Courtney wasn’t ready to come out. I understood that, but because we both presented as femme, we got a lot of attention from guys wherever we went. Courtney and I did almost everything together – doing our make-up and having pre-drinks before a night out, shopping and going for dinner. When I moved to Brighton for university in September 2016, I found myself hanging out with more open-minded people. I saw that maybe we could be accepted as a couple without judgement. But the pressures of longdistance dating took their toll. We broke up in October 2017, and although it was mutual, I took it hardest. Living so far apart, we haven’t seen much of each other since. Seeing her virtually made me want to meet up properly when we can. When we were together, we used to play games and pretend we didn’t care about the relationship. Now, I’ve learnt it’s better to be open and honest with the people you care about.
“We had a soul connection” Courtney, 23, is a copywriter from Leeds
I wasn’t looking for a relationship when Victoria and I met; I was young and had only recently broken up with my high-school boyfriend. I definitely wasn’t thinking about women – but she and I had an indescribable soul connection.
We spent a lot of time together, inside and outside of work. One time, we went out for drinks, and she leaned in for a kiss. I thought, “Why not?” Back then, I was having a hard time being honest with myself about my sexuality. We were in love, but I was nervous about putting a label on it. A few months in, I realised my feelings for Victoria were stronger than those I had for my ex.
Eventually, cracks started showing in the relationship because I wanted to keep things private. I worried what people from school would say about the fact that I used to have a boyfriend and now had a girlfriend, so nobody knew we were a couple. After Victoria moved away, we broke up. The worst part was not being able to speak to my friends about my heartbreak because the relationship had been secret. Since then, I haven’t met anyone I can be authentically myself with. I don’t think I ever will – we had our own little world together.
I was nervous about seeing Victoria on the virtual date. I felt I needed to apologise for not being as comfortable with us as I should have been. I still have love for her and the date brought me peace and closure. When you have a connection like we did, you can’t just turn it off.