“A deep connection is better than an orgasm”

SAHAR* IS 29, STRAIGHT, AND WORKS IN MARKETING IN LONDON

“I didn’t have my first orgasm until I was 22.

If I’m masturbating, I can come in a couple of minutes. With someone else, it always takes at least 15 minutes. In some past relationships, I didn’t come at all. With my current partner of nine months, I only orgasm about once a week. It bothered me in the beginning because I read that as him not caring, so I brought it up after the fifth time we slept together. He had wanted to make me come through penetration and would keep going for ages. Sometimes I’d fake it. It wasn’t that he was bad at sex, it’s just really hard for me to come that way. He took my feedback on board and changed the way he approached sex. I felt really cared for and listened to after that.

There are many reasons why I don’t orgasm. It’s true that some guys just don’t know what they’re doing. But sometimes I can’t get out of my head. There’s performance pressure and I can’t relax.

While orgasms are great, having that deep connection is better. Sex is only a small aspect of a relationship. I don’t come a lot, but the other things my boyfriend brings to the table more than make up for it. I feel valued, cared for and respected. Sex can also be ridiculously sexy without an orgasm. Whether I come or not doesn’t bear relation to the amount of pleasure I feel. Many of my most pleasurable experiences haven’t involved an orgasm. My boyfriend finishing inside me feels like a huge release. I get so much pleasure from lying close to him, still, with his skin on mine. It’s why I enjoy sex more with him than previous partners – because the sex we have is a million miles more meaningful.”