Time to check in

While feedback from these ghosts of dates past felt important when I started this experiment, I’ve realised since that what really matters is addressing the health of the situation you’re currently in, with the person you’re actually in it with. But how do you get active feedback from your significant other with minimal awkwardness?

Reassess your relationship with criticism. Often, our hypervigilant response to feedback means we jump to the conclusion that we’re being criticised, says Relate relationship counsellor Simone Bose. This can be impacted by our experiences of criticism growing up or in past relationships, so be careful not to preemptively expect negatives.

Express how you want to receive feedback. If you’re on the receiving end of constructive criticism, tell your partner how you’d like feedback to be delivered. ‘You can ask for your hand to be held, to have your positives pointed out, or for their tone of voice to be softer,’ says Bose.

Think about timing and setting. ‘It doesn’t have to be formal,’ says Dr Tang. ‘It’s not [always] a case of sitting down and talking, but it can be noting if there’s an issue and finding a time to raise and work through it when both of you are in a comfortable, non-threatening space.’

Structure what you’re saying. If there’s a lot on your mind, try noting down everything you want to say, suggests Dr Tang. ‘While this may be seen as cringe, having a written outline if you’re having a serious talk can also help, because when emotion flows, it can be very easy to go off track.’

Don’t use blame language. Explain how you feel without pointing the finger, says Bose. Rather than using ‘you’ phrases (which can come across as accusatory), instead opt for ‘us’ and ‘we’, focusing on ‘how we can both work this out together’. Pointing out your partner’s good qualities can stop them getting defensive, too, she adds.

It takes time. ‘The more you have open conversations about how you feel, the easier it becomes,’ adds Dr Tang. Promise.