How to survive Christmas if you’re not out to your family
Your festive guide to dodging awkward questions and correcting hurtful assumptions
If you’re LGBTQIA+ and not out to your family, misgendering or awkward assumptions about your sexuality can make Christmas at home feel like an ordeal. It’s hard, but there are tricks to manage the situation, reduce the stress and prepare yourself mentally: just keep reading, we’ve got you.
The cousin who is low-key homophobic
Shuddering when you mention Pride or only associating rainbows with the NHS, your cousin is a walking microaggression. Counter subtle digs with direct action – call them out when they come up. ‘Often, the best solution is to gently but firmly correct the person in the moment,’ says queer relationship therapist Chris Grant. Some friendly education is also a good idea, even if it’s just forwarding your fave LGBTQIA+ TikToks.
The parent asking about your boyfriend when you’re bisexual
Normally, you tell your mum everything, but you’re not sure how she’ll react to your blossoming sapphic romance. Don’t feel bad about glossing over any questions. ‘A lot of us will feel guilty about not sharing aspects of our lives,’ says Grant. ‘But you don’t owe access to this information unless you feel safe to share.’
The uncle who misgenders you
Your uncle keeps using ‘she’ pronouns for you, but your friends have been calling you ‘they/them’ for a year. These exchanges are uncomfortable and can feel invalidating: make sure you take time to properly decompress after being with the family. ‘Ensure you have built in self-care before, during and after your visit,’ says Grant. This can be as simple as connecting with your queer community online.
The intrusive questions over pigs in blankets
Having prepared phrases – whether a light-hearted deflection or a go-to response – in your back pocket can be a great help during awkward dinner moments. Think of ways to deflect any unwanted queries about your sexuality or gender before you come home for Christmas. ‘What we’re talking about here is how to establish and maintain a boundary,’ says Grant. ‘Anyone can ask you a direct question, but that doesn’t mean you owe them an answer.’
The moment you decide to open up
If you think you’re ready, start by identifying a sympathetic relative and tell them one-onone in a safe space. Remember, you’re doing them a favour. ‘Think about it in terms of inviting your family further into your life rather than coming out as a confessional to them,’ says Grant.