Dom Joly

Us Goths like to get drunk so we can have a think about sad things and quote Rim­baud

Cotswold Life - - INSIDE - Dom Joly con­tact @domjoly

I’m in a lot of trou­ble. Dunker­tons have opened a cider em­po­rium very near my house and it might just be the end of me. I had no idea that this was hap­pen­ing. The first I knew about it was when I got an in­vite to at­tend the open­ing of the es­tab­lish­ment. Now, I’m not one to turn down a free drink, and when that drink is cider then try stop­ping me.

You see, I’m an ex-goth and Goths are, for some pe­cu­liar rea­son, drawn to cider like moths to a flame. I say I’m an ex-goth, but no­body is re­ally ever an ex­goth, just a re­cov­er­ing one. Hav­ing said that I was thrown out of Goth so­ci­ety for be­ing too ‘glass half-full.’ I couldn’t help my­self re­ally. I was at­tracted to the black cloth­ing, the late-night lifestyle and some of the mu­sic, but I was al­ways the happy-go-lucky Goth and that is not a good look.

I’m not sure what the link be­tween cider and Goths might be. I do re­mem­ber, as a young Goth, hang­ing out at The Spice of Life – a Goth pub near Le­ices­ter Square. The drink of choice was cider and black. This was just cider topped with a squirt of Ribena. I pre­sume that Goths liked this drink be­cause it had the word ‘black’ in it? I wish that there was some bet­ter rea­son than this, but I think it might be the sad truth.

I sup­pose it also helps that cider is renowned for get­ting you drunk pretty quickly. Us Goths like to get drunk so that we can think about sad things and quote Rim­baud while toy­ing with a vi­o­lin. It’s how we roll.

What­ever, it’s bad news that Dunker­tons have opened this place be­cause I can al­most smell the cider from home and have to drive past it every time I want to go into Chel­tenham. How­ever, hard I try I find my­self on the school run, in­di­cat­ing right and telling the kids that I’ll “just be a cou­ple of min­utes” be­fore re­turn­ing to the car stag­ger­ing un­der the weight of a glass demi­john of strong dry love­li­ness. I’m lucky though. In Amer­ica demi­johns are known as “growlers “and this would open up yet an­other em­bar­rass­ing area of con­ver­sa­tion with my off­spring.

At least the names of the ciders are pretty stan­dard – in my youth

I used to be fond of a flagon of Crip­ple­cock, a cider that didn’t want any mis­un­der­stand­ings and so had a draw­ing of a rooster stum­bling around on crutches on the front. They weren’t fool­ing me though.

If I wasn’t so con­stantly ripped to the tits on very strong cider I might do more about in­ves­ti­gat­ing the mys­te­ri­ous world of Goths. I’ve long been fas­ci­nated by how I ended up join­ing an or­gan­i­sa­tion about whose philoso­phies or rules I had very lit­tle idea.

I know that Goths started in the early 80s in Eng­land. I also know that when­ever you go to a hot coun­try there is al­ways one goth hang­ing around the beach awk­wardly, wear­ing the full black re­galia with his or her make-up run­ning down their un­happy, sweaty faces.

When you get to the USA, Goths be­came a lit­tle more scary - they are Mar­i­lyn Man­son, Emos, even the jerks who did the Columbine Mas­sacre. Also, cider in Amer­ica is ap­ple juice - what we know as cider is hard cider.

There’s no ques­tion about it. I’ve got to make a doc­u­men­tary about the whole thing. How many docs have you seen about Punk? It’s time for a Gothu­men­tary. But what to call it? Ev­ery­thing is in the name. If you get that right, you’re half­way there.

I’ve nar­rowed it down to two pos­si­bil­i­ties. It’s ei­ther ‘That’s me in the cor­ner!’ or ‘Young, Dumb and full of Glum’. I’m easy ei­ther way.

Now all I need is a fi­nan­cial backer. But where to start? If only there was a mas­sively rich lo­cal who had an in­ter­est in cider and fan­cied join­ing me in an artis­tic en­ter­prise that would put Goths on the map and me at the Os­cars. If only…

‘I say I’m an ex-goth, but no­body is re­ally ever an ex-goth, just a re­cov­er­ing one’

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