The news in 2019

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January

After the coldest New Year on record, a burst pipe in the Commons causes a power outage. MPS participating in a pivotal vote are literally in the dark and the result has to be declared null and void. Rewilders apply to Natural England for a licence to reintroduce the woolly mammoth into the icy landscape.

February

The press calls a truce on St Valentine’s Day: no mention of the B-word anywhere. Journalists, forced to scratch around for other news, rush to the North Yorkshire moors where a hen harrier has been spotted, but, sadly, thick fog descends and the unfortunate rare raptor flies straight into a battery of cameras.

March

A vote on MPS’ karaoke skills is deemed the only way to break the B-day deadlock. Crossparty groups reprise old favourites My Way, Don’t Leave Me This Way and a footstomping D.I.V.O.R.C.E., but, unfortunately, the result is a dead heat.

April

Irish Backstop romps home at 100–1 in the Grand National. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex play safe with a gender-neutral, Angloamerican, classless name, Georgie-porgy and Bess, for their first born. Sir David Attenborough is elected Prime Minister in a landslide.

May

The credentials of Heather, the first genetically modified, methane-free Highland cow, are put to the test when intrepid scientists lock themselves into an airtight barn with her. Fowl play is suspected when green parakeets decimate the vegan nuttery garden at Chelsea.

June

There’s a run on paper, as social-media users, thrown by a worldwide internet crash, discover there’s quite a lot to read in books and not having to reply to them is restful. A bored Duke of Edinburgh celebrates his 98th birthday with a parachute jump.

July

Wimbledon is played on clay due to water shortages. Dromedary milk becomes the next big thing in farming diversification.

August

The Scottish Tourist Board is aghast when Loch Ness runs dry, revealing a cleverly arranged installation of used car tyres. The culprit isn’t the drought, but a pair of busy beavers building an efficient dam upstream.

September

As decorators move into the House of Commons, outraged MPS have to hot desk. The more inventive protect favourite mugs and family photos against cleaners and border encroachment with booby traps.

October

An English novel wins the Booker. HS2 runs into more trouble when the drought exposes a huge Viking battlefield in Northamptonshire.

November

The results of Referendum: The Sequel, rashly held on Bonfire Night, are declared null and void as Force 10 gales blow a stray rocket into the Commons at the critical moment. A landscape painter wins the Turner Prize.

December

A Christmas screening of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone is cancelled, as it promotes independent schools. Nativity-play producers must sign a clause that the lambs will not be eaten afterwards. Happy New Year!