Knitwear, underwear, new hair?

Old adverts can sometimes be as amusing as they were useful. Melanie Bryan selects her favourites from the archives

Adverts can be as amusing as they are useful. Melanie Bryan selects her favourites from the archives

The name of the game

I’m a massive sports fan and, if I’m not playing rugby or golf, I will be watching something—anything—on the TV. My wife doesn’t object and is happy to sit and read a book, but refuses to engage with whatever I’m watching. I want her to share in my excitement—how can I get her more involved? D. S., Surrey Oooof! I wouldn’t ask for more than you’re lucky to have, my friend. Enough that the poor woman endures as much as she does. (Can there be anything more dispiriting than golf on the box?) However commendably producers strive to win the cup of Gender Parity in Absolutely Everything, however many female sports presenters they throw at it (curiously young and good-looking: it’s cake-and-eatit in telly-land), sport on TV is, by and large (and I will be shown the red card for voicing it), locker-room stuff. The ratings don’t lie.

Hand on heart, would you rather watch the Six Nations or women’s lacrosse? Do Gino D’acampo or Loose Women attract many male viewers? Will you ‘share in her excitement’ at her novel? No, I didn’t think so.

Doing it by the book

My partner has decided we must rejuvenate our sex life and has bought a book to this effect. Quite frankly, it scares the life out of me, but I don’t know how to say this without seeming terribly square or disinterested. P. G., Buckinghamshire Humour—humour in all things. You are not alone. Wasn’t it funny when Miriam Margolyes said that, instead of bad sex, she’d prefer a radish? Or Noël Coward, who would ‘rather go to bed with an apple and a good book’. (Just what it is about fruit and veg?) Or the fellow who found his wife, naked and selftied to the four-poster, saying ‘Do whatever you like’—so he went to the Garrick Club.

Sex sells, never forget that. However, you don’t have to fall for every myth—sex with which you’re uncomfortable is bad sex. Buy her COUNTRY LIFE instead, which has successfully refrained from any mention of it (until now). She can pore over the property pages as you nibble that radish.

The caveman instinct

I’ve spent many hours clearing out our garden shed to create a ‘man cave’— for me to escape to and enjoy a quiet whisky. My wife, upon seeing the newly reclaimed space, has decided it would make a perfect pottery studio. How can I defend my territory? R. B., Wiltshire Man cave: the clue is in the title. That deepgrained, masculine need for solitary retreat, forgiven in lions and elephant seals, goes back a long, long way. Only a generation ago, the pigeon fancier, allotment holder or modeltrain enthusiast was allowed his sanctuary as his right. Along with much else, it has been trampled by the feet of idealogues and autocratically condemned as childish and puerile.

Does this shed have electricity? Hopefully not (and if it does, gnaw the supply cables like a rat—although do turn it off at the mains before doing so). She can have her pottery shed, but only during the daytime—potters need light, natural and northern. After dusk, it becomes yours—you need only an upholstered chair, a candle and a decanter. She can’t argue with that. If you’re drinking whisky during the day, that is quite another problem.

A real gem

I’m newly in a relationship and want to buy her a piece of jewellery to express my great affection. However, my friends have warned me against scaring her off or setting the bar too high for myself. What is a suitable token? D. G., Norfolk How lovely. Avoid a ring—too threatening. Ditto a paperknife. Any pearls worth having would be too dowager; rubies, emeralds, opals and moonstones are fraught with superstition. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but keep it modest: earrings, not a tiara. Opt for sapphires or aquamarines if your wallet doesn’t stretch.

A nicer thought might be a beautiful fountain pen, so she can give vent to these early, hectic days in suitable style. I believe there’s still a rudimentary postal service in Norfolk.

Jumping in the deep end

I’ve been working happily at one company for years, but the atmosphere has changed and I believe my boss is trying to force me out. She’s taking away projects I enjoy, leaving me with the dross and making me miserable. Should I jump before I’m pushed? P. B., Hampshire Oh gosh, it doesn’t sound good. Is there a boss above her? Write an email outlining what you have told me, addressed to her superior (if there is one) or to her. Keep the email saved as a draft and write an identical letter of resignation. Then, ask for a meeting with her and verbally tell her the same. It will become clear which way the cookie is crumbling. If things aren’t looking good, before she can Trump you, discreetly press ‘send’ under the desk, post the letter as you clear your office and enjoy your golden handshake. But call her out on it and who knows? You may not have to.

Filling in the gaps

My girlfriend is determined to have botox or fillers or some nonsense. I’ve begged her not to, but she’s convinced she needs them. How can I persuade her she’s beautiful as she is? G. M., Dorset Why do girls do this to themselves in the fearsome face of those ghastly warnings evinced by poor Katie Price or pretty, unfortunate Leslie Ash? I get quite angry about the issue.

Any character and, ergo, loveableness is turned into an identikit parade from the Valley of the Damned. Remember, women are subjected to ruthless attacks from social media and to advertisements financed by Crippens who make fortunes from such procedures.

You must, I’m afraid, be equally ruthless. Say, if she so much as dyes an eyebrow, you’ll leave. Tell her to spend the money on cataract operations for children who genuinely need them. If she insists, do you really want a relationship with anybody so stupidly gullible?