How to… get what you want for Christmas

Christmas is coming, so it’s time to start making sure that this year you get what you want, not yet more non-cycling tat that has been bikeified with a picture of a bicycle or (worse) the words ‘World’s Greatest Cyclist’. (Eddy Merckx has a ‘World’s Greatest Cyclist’ mug — and even that is inexcusable.)

First, be specific. Provide details of models, colours, sizes, options and your preferred supplier. Leave nothing to chance — you must avoid surprises. Allow your nearest and dearest to seek independent advice only from people who have been very thoroughly briefed by you in advance.

Second, don’t sell yourself short. These people actively want to show you how much they love you through the medium of spending money on you. Like gambling, buying gifts is only fun when it involves life-changing sums of money.

Third, be clear on what you don’t like. If you have any cycle-themed mugs, coasters or bottles of wine, announce loudly that you despise things like this, and hurl them at a solid object. This is especially effective on Christmas morning.

Fourth, reciprocate. Take note of people’s hobbies. If someone wants a bespoke loom for making their own placemats, indulge them by taking full details. By the time they discover you’ve just got them another apron they’ll already have handed over those lovely carbon wheels.