98 YEARS OLD AND STILL COUNTING CHOPSTICKS...

IAM not by any means a compulsive tidier but I was seized at the weekend by an irresistible urge to sort out the drawer in my kitchen in which I keep Things. This is, after all, the middle of the decade and the last time I went through the contents of my Things drawer was around the middle of the last decade, so I thought a bit of a rummage was due.

My Things drawer, like similar drawers in most kitchens, contains all those bits and pieces that do not have a specific home of their own, or if they do I have forgotten where it is. So I emptied the drawer’s contents into a washing up bowl, filled it with hot water, squirted washing up liquid into it, rinsed a decade of grime off and proceeded with an inventory of Things.

There were three potato peelers, one of which is of such an elderly design I feel I must hang on to it in case a local museum requires it as an exhibit.

There were three corkscrews, two of which had bottle- openers on the end, and four bottle- openers which did not have the capacity to screw corks.

There were 31 chopsticks. A recount confirmed the number. After briefly wondering whether I had forgotten the occasion on which I had cooked for a one- armed oriental, then dismissing that thought on the grounds that even one armed Chinamen would hold two chopsticks in their remaining hand, I searched through my Chinese philosophical sources to see if anyone had written about the sound of one chopstick eating but that idea also led to nothing.

As well as the 31 chopsticks, however, I found a much longer, colourful stick without a partner. Was this, I wondered, some sort of genetic mutation? Had it been growing for 10 years at the back of my Things drawer? I put such thoughts behind me and moved on.

There were several biscuit cutters, which is strange as I never cut biscuit dough but just shape it between my palms. There were three metal things that looked like biscuit cutters but I recalled were rings I had used in an attempt to follow a delicious- looking chocolate and peanut butter fondant recipe from Monica Galetti. Two of the rings were rather smaller than I wanted and the third was too large, so they all ended up at the back of my Things drawer.

Then there were several Things that were clearly intended to be attached to other Things. I had probably thrown away the other Things years ago but dare not now jettison the attachments in case they turn out to belong to something else that I have not thrown away.

There were 17 plastic knives, forks and spoons, at least half of which were cracked.

There was a metal disc, curling upward at the edges and having a hole in the middle. There was a plastic foot that must belong to something that will wobble if it is not screwed back on.

I put everything back neatly into trays in the drawer, then threw in the cheese graters, oddly- shaped bits of cutlery, wooden stirrers, hamburger mould and lemon zester. I’ll sort it all out in 2025, I imagine.