98 YEARS OLD AND STILL AN OLD- FASHIONED ROMANTIC...

AYOUNG lady just rang and asked whether she could interest me in romance. Always reluctant to turn down the plea of a damsel in distress, I said that I would have to consult my diary, at which she surprised me by suggesting that her needs could be accomplished with a brief telephone conversation.

Somewhat taken aback, I suggested to her that telephonic romance was somewhat limited in its scope but I realised that I had perhaps misunderstood her when she then began to tell me about something she called a Romance Writing Life Initiative.

“It’s a competition for budding novelists from Mills & Boon and Kobo ebooks,” she said. “They’re inviting people to submit a synopsis and opening chapter and the winner will be published by Mills & Boon as well as having their manuscript given the full treatment by some of the most experienced romance editors around. You can find out all about it and how to enter at www.romancewritinglife.com.”

“Hmm,” I hmmed. “Did you know that ‘ romance’ is an anagram of both ‘ Cameron’ and ‘ Menorca’?”

“What’s that got to do with it?” she said.

“Probably nothing, unless one is thinking of writing a tale of a prime minister who meets the woman on his dreams on a Balearic island.”

“It would never work,” she said. “He’s already happily married.”

“So what’s the Mills & Boon formula for a blissful romance?” I asked.

“You’ll have to read them to find out,” she said, “but I can tell you that their characters have shared over 35,000 hugs and approximately 30,000 kisses and have said, ‘ I do’ at least 10,000 times.”

“That’s outrageous!” I said. That works out at one marriage per three kisses and 3.5 hugs. That’s the trouble with the young people of today: they rush into matrimony before they’ve got to know each other properly. It was just as bad in the days of Jane Austen, you know. There are only three hugs in the whole of her novels. One of those is ‘ cordial’, another ‘ swift’ and the third is a man hugging himself. And the kisses aren’t much better. There are fewer than 20 overall, the vast majority of which are kisses given to children or people’s hands, and are hardly ever described as anything more than ‘ affectionate’ or ‘ grateful’. Though I must say, to Miss Austen’s great credit, her characters don’t go leaping off to the pulpit after only three kisses.”

“How wonderful,” she purred. “This Miss Austen sounds like just the writer we’re looking for. Do you think you might be able to persuade her to enter the competition?”

But I wasn’t listening, for I was frantically scribbling my own synopsis and first chapter to ensure that it reached the judges before the closing date of July 13. I’m calling it Balearic Bliss: Romance in Menorca and it begins like this:

Cameron never thought, as his private jet touched down on the island of Menorca, that three kisses, 3.5 hugs and two anagrams of his name could lead to such rapture…