98 YEARS OLD AND STILL COUNTING PERCENTAGES...

FURTHER to my tale yesterday of a lady telling me about laying a line of watches from Athens to Brussels, I have just been contacted by two more young ladies with percentages to share.

The first had just begun telling me about the 26 per cent of mums who like to shop online between the hours of 7pm and midnight when the children are asleep, when my other phone rang.

I apologised to the first caller and asked her to hold while I discovered who the other caller was and whether it was important.

I then answered the other phone and was treated to another young lady telling me that 26 per cent of people admit that their typical cooking repertoire in a month consists of no more than three recipes.

Had I known how to put together a conference call I would have done so but instead I asked the second caller to ring back later and turned my attention back to the first.

“Sorry to have kept you waiting,” I apologised, “but the delay was fortuitous, for I have just learned that 26 per cent of people can only cook three dishes. Do you think they are the same as the 26 per cent of mums who shop online when the children are asleep? Could it be that they are so obsessed with online shopping that they have no time to expand their culinary repertoire?

“Or might it be that they have hurriedly prepared beans on toast for the brats again to get them to bed so that the they may wallow in the fantasy world of online shopping?”

“Our figure,” she said, “comes from a survey from the CollectPlus delivery service,” so I thought it best to offer her some more information.

“Furthermore,” I said, “26 per cent of people like their sandwiches cut into triangles. I can see them now scoffing triangular sandwiches as they browse the internet for shopping bargains.”

“Our survey,” she said, “also reveals that seven per cent of mums admit that they have shaved their legs in preparation for a new school term.”

“And seven per cent of women,” I said, “have been reduced to tears over a failed dish they’ve cooked. Is it any wonder they’re eating their way through platefuls of sandwiches?

“Not only that but I should point out that 26 per cent of people know their partner’s Facebook account password. My guess is that they also know his bank account number and credit card details and he ends up forking out for all those sandwiches and online shopping bills. Hang on, I think my other caller is ringing back.”

I was right. It was indeed the restricted culinary lady, who told me that her survey had been done for Kenwood and six per cent of people have had to order a takeaway to replace their own cooking catastrophe.

“But six per cent of mums admit to painting their nails in preparation for a new school term,” I told her, “and six per cent of people like the crusts cut off their sandwiches, which I have good reason to believe are triangular.”

I then gave her the other lady’s number and suggested they get together and discuss it.