98 YEARS OLD AND STILL FULL OF OLD IDEAS...

ALLEGATIONS surrounding a hit talent contest have come to light in the discovery of a manuscript believed to be by the ancient Greek writer Homer. Apparently a prequel to his successful works The Iliad and The Odyssey, the work details events leading up to the Trojan War and casts further doubts on whether the Greeks were justified, under international law, on waging war against the Trojans.

Homer’s Pre- Iliad begins in a TV studio on Mount Olympus where the gods are having a planning meeting.

“What we need, to restore flagging audience figures,” says Zeus, in his position of Head of Channel One and Everything Else, “is a real blockbuster of a talent show. Any ideas?”

“How about a Greece Has Talent competition?” suggested Apollo. My friends the Muses could judge it and Sophocles and Aristotle could enter.”

“How about a Round The World Trireme Race?” suggested Poseidon, God of the Sea.

“Or a drinking competition,” said Dionysus, God of the Vine. “Last man standing is the winner.”

Zeus shook his head. “Not original enough,” he said. “We need something that will really blow their sandals off.”

There was a long silence before Aphrodite spoke. “What about Goddess Idol?” she said. “The most beautiful goddesses will appear on it and be judged, both by the gods in the studio and the mortals at home. And best of all, I shall win.”

“We’ll go with that,” said Zeus. But the head of the judges should be a mortal to avoid claims that the contest is rigged. Who do you have in mind?”

They all sank into deep thought and several names were suggested, but finally Athena suggested one that met with total approval: “Paris of Troy,” she said. “He’s already a bit of a celeb, having won second place in our recent Bull of the Year contest.”

“And he was only beaten by Ares, who cheated by turning himself into a bull,” said Hermes.

“It wasn’t against the rules,” said Ares sulkily. “I was a very fine bull.”

“Right,” said Zeus: “We’ll run with it. What about a prize?”

As he spoke those words, Eris, the Goddess of Conflict burst into the room. “Sorry I’m late,” she said, “but by pure chance, I have the perfect prize with me,” and she threw a golden apple onto the table.

“That’ll do,” said Zeus. “We’ll tell them it’s by Damien Hirst.”

And so the contest went ahead, with Aphrodite, Hera and Athena reaching the final. Then the trouble began, as all three tried to bribe the main judge.

Hera offered to make him King of Europe and Asia; Athena offered to make him a great warrior; Aphrodite, who knew a thing or two about how men’s minds work, offered him the world’s most beautiful woman.

So Paris gave Aphrodite the golden apple then seized the beautiful Helen, wife of King Menelaus of Greece, and took her off to Troy. In retaliation, the Greeks launched 1,000 ships of mass destruction and both the Greek debt and the inquiry into the war persist to this very day.