99 YEARS OLD AND STILL FLYING AS HUGH AS EVER...

THE CASE opened in the High Court yesterday of Regina v A Bovine on charges of making a space flight without a licence, infringing the airspace of the UK and other countries, disregarding the provisions of the International Commercial Space Transportation Act 1984, and operating a launch vehicle without fulfilling the medical and environmental conditions imposed by the Federal Aviation Authority in 2007.

The case was heard before Judge Alicia “Moose” Horseblanket III, with Hiller Beanz QC appearing for the prosecution and Merkyn Threadbare QC for the defence. When asked how she pleaded, A Bovine, commonly known as “Cow” replied “Moo”, which the judge interpreted as a plea of not guilty. The case then proceeded.

HORSEBLANKET: I call upon Mr Beanz to make his introductory remarks. BEANZ: Hey diddle, diddle. HORSEBLANKET: Get to the point will you? I cannot see that “hey diddle, diddle” is remotely relevant.

BEANZ: My apologies. I just thought that was a good introduction. The prosecution’s case in simple: we shall produce evidence that Bovine, also known as Cow, did wilfully jump over the Moon contrary to the Acts and provisions aforementioned.

THREADBARE: If it please, your Mooseship, I should at this stage point out that the defence do not contest the fact that Cow jumped over the Moon. However, we maintain that the legal instruments under which this charge is brought do not apply to solo flights by a cow. The flight was in no way commercial, as defined by the 1984 act, and the 2007 FAA regulations apply specifically to vehicular human flight, with no reference whatsoever to the self- powered bovine variety.

BEANZ: Expert witnesses will attest that a member of a bovine species could not, of its own effort, even with the use of helium- filled balloons, springboard, trampoline or similar device, attain the velocity needed to escape the Earth’s gravitation pull and reach the Moon, from which it follows that some sort of launch vehicle was required, bringing the flight under the auspices of the FAA regulations.

We shall furthermore bring evidence that the defendant did profit financially from sales of a nursery rhyme about the moon flight, thus bringing it under the provisions of the 1984 act concerning commercial flights. I call my first witness, a little dog.

THREADBARE: Objection! The testimony of a dog cannot possibly be accepted in an English court.

HORSEBLANKET: Don’t be silly. We are trying a cow, for goodness’ sake! I see nothing wrong with a dog as a witness. Objection overruled.

BEANZ ( to the little dog): Can you tell the court your reaction to seeing the defendant jump over the moon? DOG: I laughed. THREADBARE: Objection! Dogs cannot or do not laugh. DOG: Well I did. BEANZ: Why did you laugh? DOG: I laughed to see such fun. BOVINE: Moo. The case was adjourned and a translator sent for. [ To be continued.]