BEACHCOMBER

99 YEARS OLD AND STILL PONDERING HIS PIES...

JUST as I was beginning to lament the imminent end of British Pie Week, a young lady rang and asked if I was aware that a survey by Jus- Rol pastry had found that 75 per cent of Britons enjoy a pie at least once a month.

“I was not aware of that fact,” I said, “and I am grateful to you for sharing it with me but I fear I have difficulty knowing what to make of it unless you can also tell me what percentage of Britons eat a pie but do not enjoy it?”

“I shall try to find out,” she said but before she could continue I thought I should explain more clearly the information I needed.

“It would also be very useful to know how many pies these Britons eat every month before they find one they can enjoy. If for example they eat a pie every day but only enjoy it once a month it would paint a very different picture from them only eating one pie a month but always enjoying it.”

“Thirty- five per cent prefer their favourite pie to be topped with a puff pastry lid,” she said.

“Prefer it to what?” I asked. “I’d expect a rather higher figure if they were expressing their relative preferences for their favourite pie with a puff pastry lid and a poke in the eye with a sturdy flake of shortcrust.”

“I suppose it means they prefer their favourite pie with a puff pastry lid to the same pie with a shortcrust lid.”

That doesn’t make sense,” I said. “If they prefer the pie with the puff pastry lid then the other one is not their favourite pie. In any case, I recently read that 65 per cent of 18- 24 year- olds say they would try game and offal if it was on a high street menu, which means that 35 per cent would not try a game and offal pie.

“But if they wouldn’t even try it, how do they know whether it’s their favourite pie or not, so how are they expected to decide whether or not to top it with a puff pastry lid?”

“I should also add,” she continued, “that 79 per cent of people say they would be willing to pay more for a home- made pie.”

“Ah,” I said, “now you are beginning to make some sense, for that means that 21 per cent are not willing to pay more for a home- made pie. Another recent survey, you see, reported that 21 per cent of men have been on a weight loss diet at some time.

“Being on a weight- loss diet, they’ve probably cut down on pie- eating, so it’s hardly surprising they won’t pay more for a home- made pie as they’re probably not going to eat it anyway.

“Oddly enough though,” I added, “a survey last year reported that 79 per cent of women use Facebook. I’d be willing to wager a tidy sum that they’re posting pictures all over it of them pigging out on their home- made pies topped with puff pastry.

“But coming back to your 75 per cent enjoying pies figure, did you know that 25 per cent of people are obese? I guess those are the 25 per cent who don’t enjoy their pies. They think they are fattening, you see.”

I waited for her to reply but the other end of the line had gone silent. A pity because I was really beginning to enjoy the conversation.