99 YEARS OLD AND STILL FLIPPING WITHOUT FLOPPING...

AYOUNG gentleman just rang to ask whether he might interest me in a new range of flip-flops with a charitable link. “I fear the chances of my being interested are slim,” I told him. “I am not a flip-flop sort of chap but I feel charitable today so shall permit you to try. The worst you can do is flop.”

“Thank you,” he said. “The new flip-flops are the result of a collaboration between Animal and …”

“Animal?” I interrupted him. “What animal? If it’s a sloth, I could be very interested.”

“Sadly, it’s not a sloth,” he admitted. “It’s no particular animal. It’s the action sports lifestyle brand Animal.”

“What a shame,” I said. “I don’t approve of action, sports or lifestyles. But do go on. I’m sorry I interrupted.”

“No problem,” he said. “It’s a collaboration between Animal and Surfers Against Sewage.”

“I disapprove,” I said. “we already have the Special Air Service and the Sloth Appreciation Society. Do we really need another SAS?”

“Surfers Against Sewage is an environmental protection charity,” he said, “and 10 per cent of the sales of our flip-flops, which are made from recycled materials, go to them to help promote protection and sustainability of the UK’s marine environment.”

“I’m not sure I follow,” I admitted. “Are you saying that the flip-flops are made of recycled sewage?

“I suppose that might make them attractive to people who make a practice of wading through sewage but I’d have thought wellington boots were more suitable.”

“No, no, no,” he said in triplicate. “The flip-flops are made from recycled EVA chips. And they’re not for wading through sewage.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” I said. “But is that EVA as in Ethylene Vinyl Acetate, or Extra Vehicular Activity or Economic Value Added?”

“I think it’s the Ethylene thingy,” he said. “I can check if you like.”

“No need,” I said. “It’s the sewage thing rather than the ethylene thingy that bothers me. Sloths don’t bother about sewage, you know.

“They just come down the tree once a week to poo and pee and moths lay their eggs in the poo. Then when the eggs hatch the new moths fly up and nestle in the sloth’s fur and provide a useful source of protein when it can be bothered to lick them up. It’s a most unusual example of symbiosis.”

My caller was rendered silent for some time by this account of sloth-moth co-existence but then he changed the subject.

“All our flip-flops have unique designs,” he said.

“Is that all your flip-flops or all your pairs of flip-flops?” I asked.

“Every pair is different,” he said, “and within each pair, the left and right flip-flops also differ.”

“Did you know,” I asked, “that the term ‘flip-flops’ was first applied to footgear in 1958?”

“Well, well, well,” he said, matching his wells to his earlier noes.

The call ended shortly after and I am still wondering whether to write anything about flip-flops or sewage.