99 YEARS OLD AND STILL MAKING PREDICTIONS...
MANY prognosticators dash off their predictions for the year at the start of January, but without proper thought. This leads to predictably unpredictable results. Beachcomber prefers to leave his annual predictions until May at the earliest, when he has had time to assemble all the evidence and ponder its implications. So here are his predictions for the rest of the year:
June: The European Referendum ends in a dead heat. After several recounts and legal challenges the two sides meet to discuss what to do next.
July: After weeks of meetings the prime minister announces that there will be a referendum to decide how to break the deadlock in the referendum. Voters will be offered a simple choice: penalty shoot-out or extra time. The first will involve five members of each side trying to toss voting slips into a ballot box from a distance of five yards for Brexit members or 4.572 metres for the Remain camp. Extra time would give those who didn’t vote in the first referendum another chance to do so.
August: The Extra-Timers say a shoot-out would lead to another world war, just like the shooting of Archduke Ferdinand in 1914; the shoot-outers say extra time would upset the space-time continuum and cause the universe to implode. The tie-split referendum results in a clear win for the shoot-out camp but the shoot-out results in a 0-0 draw as nobody manages to propel a single ballot paper into the box.
September: Both David Cameron and Boris Johnson resign after facing heavy criticism for failing to take into account the narrowness of the slot in the ballot box. A general election is called to elect a new prime minister.
October: After a tense day of voting all candidates are seen to have failed miserably, finishing well behind the write-in votes recorded for “Primey McPrime-Face”. Several politicians change their names to Primey McPrime-Face in the hope of becoming prime minister at once.
November: Boris Johnson decides to stand as an independent candidate for the US Presidency. “I’ve a perfect right to do so as I was born in New York,” he says. “And with only Trump and a former First Lady to beat, it should be a doddle.” His election slogan is “Dump Trump and the Frump”. Meanwhile, Leicester City FC launch a legal challenge to have their team declared UK Prime Minister. “We won the Premier League so have every right to move into Number 10,” a spokesman said. “Anyway, the whole place has more than 100 rooms, which is plenty for the whole team.”
December: Besieged by huge crowds of people named Primey McPrime-Face, the acting prime minister, Mr Claudio Ranieri, decrees that the only solution is to have a replay. Arrangements are put in place for a new referendum in 2017. All the politicians regroup into their old factions and rerun their old speeches. The only difference comes in their use of the expression “twice in a lifetime opportunity” to replace the “once in a lifetime” they had previously used. The decision to have a replay is applauded by the new US President Boris Johnson.