99 YEARS OLD AND STILL AS MAGNETIC AS A POLE...

NEVER one to drop a good topic of conversation once he has got his claws into it, my polar bear was back on the EU referendum question at breakfast yesterday.

“I think we have established,” he said, referring to our chat the previous day, “that the Leave campaign has not yet decided where we should leave Europe. I suggested, you will recall, that we leave it in the Pacific Ocean, where there is plenty of room for it. That would also restore a bit of balance to the world.” “How will it do that?” I asked. “Well as I am sure you know,” he said, “if you drill a hole through the centre of the Earth starting at almost any point on its land surface, it will almost certainly come up in the ocean. If we move Europe to the South Pacific, and start drilling, however, such a hole would emerge near Kazakhstan.

“A road, air and rail tunnel through the hole would then cut long journey times significantly. Instead of having to go half way around the globe one could travel directly to the other side.”

“Wouldn’t it be simpler to leave Europe where it is, dig a hole and build a Boris Island airport floating on the ocean where it comes up?” I asked.

He stared at me for a long time, then avoided the question by reverting to an earlier point. “Have you ever wondered,” he asked, “why the land masses on Earth are all antipodally opposite to vast expanses of ocean?”

“Yes,” I said. “I think it’s because when the solar system began to take form and gases turned into matter which congealed into stars and planets, bulges on one side of the planets would be matched by indentations on the other because of Coriolis forces, or centrifugal forces, or centripetal forces, or something like that, caused by the matter spinning around.”

The bear gave me a scornful look and waved his paws dismissively. “I have a much simpler explanation,” he said. “The Supreme Being that created us had only one arm.” “What?” I said incredulously. “It’s obvious,” he said. “Think of the Earth being flung into its orbit around the Sun. If the Supreme Flinger had two hands, he’d have put one on the left side of the planet and the other on the right and flung it like a footballer taking a throw-in. But if that was the case, the dents caused by his fingers on one side would be matched by dents on the other.

“If he only had one arm, however, he’d have picked up the Earth in his one hand and squeezed to ensure that he didn’t drop it. And the squeezing would have resulted in bulges, which supports the theory that he had only one hand.”

“Mark 16:19,” I said, which sent the bear thumbing through a Bible and he read out what he saw:

“He was received up into heaven, and sat on the right hand of God.” he thought about this for a moment, then said: “You’re right. Someone or something may have been sitting on his right hand, stopping him using it.

“Albert Schweitzer’s writings were often very messy as his cat used to fall asleep on his right arm, you know.” And at last we changed the subject.