99 YEARS OLD AND STILL SUPPORTS TEAM WHATEVER...

FOLLOWING our successes at the Rio Olympics, the Nomenclature sub-committee of BritSport (or whatever they’re calling it these days) has brought out its report including plans for Tokyo 2020.

“The results in Rio,” they write, fully substantiate our decision to call our athletes ‘TeamGB’. There was heated discussion when that was registered, for marketing purposes, as a brand name in 1999, as it appeared to be a snub to Northern Ireland, which is in the UK but not in Great Britain.

“The TeamGB versus TeamUK debate was intense and was finally settled in favour of TeamGB for a number of reasons:

“First, the ee-ee-ee vowel sounds of Team-Gee-Bee was viewed as more pleasant sounding that the ee-yoo-way of TeamUK which sounded to some like an unruly football chant.

“Secondly, TeamUK looks like tea-muck, which seems to refer to the dregs at the bottom of a teapot.

“Thirdly, TeamUK could easily be confused with the team from the Ukraine.

“Fourthly, TeamUK doesn’t really solve the problem, because as well as the Irish question, we have the Channel Isles question and the Isle of Man question, as people in both those regions are eligible for the team, but are not members of the UK but Crown Dependencies.

“And finally, the Northern Irish can opt to represent Ireland rather than the UK anyway and indeed there were around twice as many Northern Irish in the Irish team in Rio as there were in TeamGB.

“A minority of cynical members of the Nomenclature sub-committee suggested that this was because it was easier to get into the Irish team and anyway none of the Irish who represented Britain won medals, but others suggested those who chose to represent Ireland may have done so because they were offended by being left out of the name of TeamGB.

“While pondering the third of these points, the Sub-Committee also wondered there was an analogy with the case of Ukraine whose potential Crimean athletes have been occupied by Russia, but since no information was available on whether there were any Crimeans in either the Russian or Ukrainian teams, and the Russians are widely considered to be a bunch of drug cheats anyway, the subject was dropped.

“After intense debate, a sub-subcommittee was formed to draw up plans for a minor modification of the TeamGB name for Tokyo 2020. That sub-sub-committee has now reported to the Nomenclature sub-committee, and the following resolution was passed unanimously:

“The term formerly known somewhat inaccurately as TeamGB shall, for future events be known as TeamGBand-NI-and-CI-and-IoM-and-MembersOf-All-Other-Crown-Dependencies-ThatMay-Choose-to-Join-Us-Or-Play-ForTheir-Own-Nations-As-They-See-Fit.

“So let’s all raise a glass and shout ‘Go TeamGBNICIIOMCD et al!’ (as it will be known for short) and look forward to further success in Tokyo.”