99 YEARS OLD AND STILL GUTTED BY CYCLISTS…

AYOUNG lady just rang me with some fascinating information about guts. “Are you aware,” she asked me, “that chronic intestinal disorders affect around one in four people but only five per cent of them visit their doctor regularly?

“I’m so glad you told me that,” I said, “for it clears up a problem that has been worrying me for at least the past 10 minutes.”

“Glad to have been of assistance,” she said, “but do tell me: what problem was that with which you have been wrestling?”

“Well about 10 minutes ago, I read a report which informed me that 95 per cent of visitors to something called the Cycling Festival were cyclists and I have been wondering why the other five per cent go to visit the festival.”

“It’s National Gut Week, you see…,” she began, but I hadn’t finished telling her about my theories concerning the cyclists.

“Until I heard your gut-related news, I thought it might be connected to the fact that five per cent of adults are unemployed,” I said. “I wondered whether they were so eager to find an excuse to get out of the house, they’d even go to a cycling festival despite not being cyclists themselves.”

“Gut Week,” she persevered, “is an initiative of Yakult UK Ltd, in association with various healthcare organisations, to highlight the vital role of the digestive system.”

“Or,” I said, resuming my statistical deliberations, “it may be connected with the fact that 95 per cent of our prison inmates are male, which set me wondering whether the five per cent of non-cyclists at the Cycling Festival were all female prison inmates on day release.”

“We’ve found that 24 per cent of people experience abdominal pain at least once a month,” she said.

“That’s hardly surprising,” I said, “for 24 per cent of Londoners like their soup spicy. That’s probably what’s giving them tummy ache. But to get back to the five per cent conundrum, I now realise, thanks to you, that the five per cent at the Cycling Festival who aren’t cyclists are probably only there as proxies for the five per cent with digestive problems who are cyclists but have been unable to go to the Festival because they’ve been visiting the doctor and it was a pity to waste the ticket.”

“Twenty-eight per cent of people experience indigestion at least once a month,” she said.

“Again that’s hardly surprising,” I said, “for 28 per cent of people feel that running is only for people who are really fit and healthy. They clearly know the misery of trying to run when you’re suffering from indigestion so they cycle instead.”

“You can find out lots more about guts and Gut Week in particular at www.loveyourgut.com/gut-week,” she said. “Gut Week goes on until Saturday. I do hope you will tell your readers all about it.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I have to write about the misery of non-cyclists at cycling festivals. One must maintain a sense of priorities about such things,” and we ended the conversation there.