100 YEARS OLD AND STILL FOLLOWING PROTOCOL...

AFTER the recent revelation of a Trident missile going off course and heading for Florida last June, officials have reassured us that proper protocol was followed. However, the precise details of this protocol have not been given. Here, thanks to the Beachi leaks service, is the relevant extract from the Stray Missile Heading For Florida section of the top secret How To Launch A Nuclear Missile handbook:

1: In the event of a missile found to be heading inadvertently towards Florida, the submarine captain shall immediately transmit a coded Official Heavy Expletive Communication (OHEC) to the PM, the head of the Armed Forces and the Defence Minister. Beginning with an expletive of the captain’s choice, this will alert them of the problem.

2: Without further delay, efforts will be made to ascertain whether the stray missile has a nuclear warhead.

3a(i): If it does not have a nuclear warhead, the Missile Auto-Destruct (MAD) sequence will be operated and a message will be transmitted to the US President telling him or her not to worry and that everything is under control.

3a(ii): The WHOOOPS (What Hope Of Obscuring Our Present Situation) protocol will then be enacted to ascertain whether it can all be kept secret from everyone else.

3b: In the event of the stray missile being found to be armed with a nuclear warhead, the following procedures will be followed strictly in the order listed:

3b(i): A further OHEC communication will be sent to Downing Street to bring the PM up to date.

3b(ii) [to be enacted by either the submarine captain or the PM]: The US President will be notified of the imminent destruction of Florida. This notification will be introduced by the words: “We’re terribly sorry about this Sir (or Madam), but ...”

3b(iii): In the event of the President taking the news badly and threatening retaliation, it should be firmly pointed out that the imminent destruction of Florida will be the result of a perfectly innocent equipment malfunction which could have happened to anyone.

3b(iv): The submarine captain shall then ascertain the whereabouts of the US President and ask whether he would like to be picked up and taken to as deep a spot in the ocean as is practicable within the time available, in order to have the best chance of surviving the forthcoming blast.

3b(v): The PM shall then summon an urgent Cabinet meeting to discuss whether to make an emergency broadcast to the nation or leave it until all of them have reached the safety of a nuclear bunker.

4a: On reaching the bunker, the PM shall then make a statement to the nation making it clear that he/she is very sorry about Florida; it wasn’t his/ her fault; he/she did not know anything about it before entering the bunker; we have complete faith in our missile defences; and God bless the United States of America.

4b: A courtesy email will then be sent to Vladimir Putin to warn him that a bit of a tsunami may be on its way.